the incredibles

he takes the time to patiently&kindly explain a gaming concept when others laugh at how much of a noob I am. he uses his time&resources to give legit advice and help to find the perfect gift for a guy he doesn't even know. he is currently halfway around the world, bodyguarding in Dubai, and no matter where he is, he always checks on me, concerned with even my most trivial problems. he doesn't approve of the guy I want to be with, but still stands behind my every decision & helps me cope&recover from the bad ones. he spends his free time coaching soccer for little kids and giving me reasons to smile when I'm a mess. he believes in me & defends me against anyone, including my own parents. Guys like these give me hope. I just named 6 & you know who you are. I want you to know how much I appreciate every little and big thing you guys do. whether it's on a daily basis or just consistent over time, being there for me is quite a job. I'm unique in my complicatedness, and I don't know how you guys manage to deal with me so well. But every little action you do makes my life better. Chivarly is not dead. You guys are living proof. And there are so many more people i'm grateful for having in my life, but these 6 have just been above and beyond extraordinary. They're my heroes, and they save the day without superpowers or shiny capes. And the descriptions of the 6 are just snapshots of the things they do. i could write a book on all the ways my life has been impacted by their acts of kindness. I wish there was an "amazing guys in our life appreciation day" or "men who really care appreciation day" or something like that. I'm usually more creative with random holiday titles, but my mind is still recovering from being blown away by their incredibleness. Thank You, for all that you are.

With Love and Admiration,
-Jenesis

distracted

ever feel like everything's off-centered, as if the entire world changed the direction it revolved over night? most days, i consider myself to be a morning person. i used to enjoy waking up before 8am because it was always peaceful and for the most part, silent. but lately, when i wake up, i feel different.. unsure if everything that happened last night was real.. and it's like any progress made throughout the day that climaxed at night completely restarts when i wake up. i can't focus when it's silent anymore either. i can't remember the last day i went without listening to any music at all. it's frustrating, mainly because i have no idea when this change began nor how to reverse it. so what's the game plan? i'm going back to the basics. i figure if i get back into my element(s) and surround myself with the familiar and comforting, the world will righten itself overnight again. i know that sounds pretty ridiculous, but what do you do when you get lost? you try to be found.
what are my basics? in no particular order:
1. the addiction of music
2. insatiable thirst for literature
3. the arts of self-expression
4. the infamous love interest
5. faith and beliefs
6. health and well-being

if i can re-focus on those basics, maybe things will start falling back into place. i'm tired of this disoriented feeling; it's mentally and physically exhausting.

i wish i could read your mind. i wish that i could know what you really think of me.i wish i knew how you really felt about me. i wish we had better communication. i wish you could read my mind.

-jenesis

acceptance

"please just don't play with me; my paper heart will bleed. this wait for destiny won't do. be with me, please, i beseech you. simple things that make you runaway. catch you if i can..
..i know moving on is easiest when i'm around you."
-My Paper Heart by The All-American Rejects

it's been almost an entire year since you've left my life. you were someone i could be one-hundred-percent completely honest with. i've never let anyone get as close to me as you were. you knew all my deepest secrets; all my weaknesses and flaws completely exposed and you still stayed, unafraid. you were the very essence of the definition of a bestfriend. no one ever supported and believed in me like the way you always did. you cared every second of every minute of everyday. all the guys that have came after you never wanted to let me go because of the way i always treated them right. you taught me how. walking away from you was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i know you're thinking: "if it was so hard, why did you make it look so easy? how the hell could you find a new guy within a week and forget everything we had for the past two years?" allow me to explain. you were my first serious, real relationship. i was so young when we started, and i was so naive. my whole life all i wanted was to find that one, perfect boy and spend the rest of my life with him. when you entered my life, everything happened so fast, and the next thing i know, those three words started coming out. months kept passing and everything kept getting more serious and permanent. how can you know i'm the one person you want to spend everyday with for the rest of your life when we're still figuring out who the heck we really are? college is supposed to be the time we do deep soul-searching and find ourselves. how can i grow, experiment, and learn about what i really want to do with my life while pushing to solidify a permanent future with you? i hate to use this term, but we were tying each other down. it wasn't just about me; you needed space to grow too. but you were always so stubbornly decided that i'm the one and you won't ever want anyone else. if i had never let you go, do you think you would be doing all the amazing things you are now? with your photography, car, and religious activities, you're really growing and finally pursuing your true interests. when we were together, it was like a packaged deal; no one saw us as individuals any more. for example,your photo shoots revolved around me and my performances. you stopped playing guitar. you barely made time for your other friends. it was like we were creating our own world where only you and me existed. i couldn't take it anymore. i let go of everything. not just for my sake, but a lot for your own sake. i've changed so much since and hope you have too.

i wanted to hate you sooo much. everytime i saw your picture, it's like i'm frozen in time for a second, and everything goes numb. you promised we would be friends again once you got over us. i may have walked away from the relationship, but you walked out of my life. there were so many times when i really needed you, as my bestfriend, as someone who cared. it's been almost a complete year. don't tell me you can't move on, because you can. you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. i know things are going to be very different, but deep down, i also know that you're still my bestfriend. one of my ex's showed me this facebook fanpage: "if ex's can still be friends, they are still in love or they never were." so here's me admitting it: i was not in love. why? because i didn't know the real meaning of love back then and i'm still learning what it is now. i really, truly, and deeply cared about you, but i can finally understand that it wasn't love. and i'm sorry, for everything. but it's all in the past now. so will you please wake up already and realize you miss hanging out with me too? i used to have a realll big problem with my jealousy. but again, i've changed a lot. a lot of it has to do with the new people in my life. one person in particular, seems to be making me a better person everyday. i would love for you to meet him someday, but i know it's going to take time.

to the rest of the bloggers out there, can someone tell me why "ex's" are such a forbidden topic? why do guys hate it when girls even mention the word? and why do girls get this inexplicable strong jealousy towards the guy-they're-currently dating's-ex? i know the natural instinct is to make comparisons to see if you're an improvement, right? i used to have a huge problem with this type of jealousy, but it's starting to finally hit me: the only crime that the ex-girlfriend committed was falling for the same guy you fell for. and if you really think the guy you're with now is amazing, can you blame her? clearly it just means she had good taste in men too =) i guess the only thing left to be jealous about is how he feels with you versus how he felt with her? but i guess i can be content with the fact that she wasn't what he wanted, and the fact that he's with me now means i am. i should probably admit that i've never been dumped. all my breakups resulted in me leaving him or a mutual breakup. so i guess i would feel a lot worse if i was the ex-gf and he dumped me because i wasn't "good enough." sigh =/ sooner or later, it's going to happen to me, though, and it might change the way i look at ex's. right now, i'm happy to say i have a few ex's who are really cool and we're still good friends. our friendship is pretty strong because there's something about being in a relationship that makes you get to really know someone on a deep, personal level, and being able to walk out of that relationship and stay friends makes the best kind of friendship because you guys understand each other on that deeper level. they're the best people to seek advice from because they know you like not many other people can.

now to explain why i have those song lyrics included in this post. even though i've been in a few relationships after my first serious one, there were parts i never got over but now i can finally and honestly say i've reached closure. i finally deleted notes/videos/etc that i was holding onto "just in case." i'm starting a new chapter in my life, and i found the right person to start it with =) he's completely different than anyone else i know. he frustrates me, makes me question what am i even doing, makes me feel self conscious like as if he can see right through me, and through all this, i've never learned more about who i am, likes/dislikes, and who i'm not from anyone else. he's changing me, for the better, and he doesn't even know it. i'm learning what it means to really accept someone, as is. in the past i might have said i accepted someone, but in truth i probably influenced them to change until i really accepted them or that flaw was the reason i had to end things, because i couldn't really accept them. this time, i'm going to want to be with him for everything he is, just the way he is, or not at all. he's not like all the guys in the past, who just fall and think i'm everything they've been looking for. he stands his ground. he's a challenge, and i wouldn't have it any other way. and it's through everything i've learned being with him that finally made me strong enough to move on. everyday is different with him. i'm happy =)

yeah, i guess i had a lot on my mind. i need to get back to studying, so i'll end things here. hope everyone's been doing well. if you actually read this entire post, props! this is probably one of my most personal posts on this blog. it was difficult typing all this out, so i can only imagine how hard it is to read lol
-Jenesis

clouded

sooo. it's been a while since i've made an entry. about time i got back to this, huh? =P

quick update: i'm finally taken.. yes, by the guy who's been in most of my blog posts lol but wanna know something mind-blowing? he found my blog on his own and read some, if not most, of my posts! incredible, right? lol so if you're wondering "why the heck would this girl continue to blog knowing her guy knows what her blog link is and can potentially read everything at any given moment?!" well i figure his initial curiosity should have been fulfilled by now and finding the energy to read through my essay-long, sloppily formatted thoughts, opinions, and concerns just isn't a priority for him. kudos to any readers who still check my blog even though i tend to disappear and reappear at random.

lately i've been doing some deep-thinking regarding what i'm looking for. someone who's charming; must must MUST be able to make me smile and laugh =) someone who's thoughtful and considerate. someone who's interested in me, things that i do, things that i like, and things that i care about. someone who's a good listener because sometimes my world just crumbles and all i need are his arms to hold me securely, reassuringly, and tightly. sometimes a girl just needs someone who will listen. he doesn't need to say anything or try to solve her problems. she just needs to know he's there. in my love life, i can't seem to find the "whole package" kinda guy. i've dated really wonderful, sweet guys who are truly devoted, loving, and desired my attention constantly. but they lacked the physical attraction i needed. so then i dated super attractive studs, but they lacked the emotional connection i had found and liked in previous guys. there has to be a guy out there who can have the best of both qualities, right? =( somedays i just want to fall in love.. completely and absolutely. i found myself listening to love songs all the time lately. and it's not because i'm in that happy, lovesick mood. on the contrary, i've been feeling pretty down and saddened.. and it's like listening to lyrics that are all about how much a person can mean to another and all the other sweet joys that come with true love.. it reminds me to be hopeful. where i am right now with my current love interest is hard to determine because we're still technically new.. and there's just so much to figure out.. i'm learning one of the biggest flaws of my character is that it doesn't matter if everything else in my world is going well, if my love life is in chaos, it directly and completely affects my mood to everything else. when my love life is going wonderfully, the world could be about to end and i would still feel happy and content with life. i dislike how strongly related the status of my love life can affect everything else about me, my mood, feelings, and behavior. how did i end up like this? my biggest weakness and greatest pleasure, one in the same. i just wish i could figure out what i really wanted and find it already. all this confusion is becoming very stressful. i can't even organize my thoughts coherently enough to describe how i feel right now. i think i need a hug =/ somedays are better than others. somedays are far worse than should be possible. i guess i just need to meditate on this a little longer, until everything starts making sense again. i just need to reach emotional equilibrium. calmness, patience, and tranquility.
-jenesis

i never told you

"i see your [brown] eyes everytime i close mine. you make it hard to see, where i belong to. when i'm not around you, it's like i'm not with me. but i never told you, what i should have said. no i never told you, i just held it in. and now, i miss everything about you. can't believe that i still want you. after all the things we've been through. i miss everything about you." -I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat

absolutely love this song. why? it's beautiful AND there's not a specific person this song reminds me of. lately i've been getting sick of listening to songs that i can directly relate to. and it's tough when you're a music addict and the majority of your songs and playlists remind you of faces you wish you could forget. so this song is dedicated to no one in particular, but it's a shame because i wish there was someone from my past that was worthy to miss everything about. so instead, this is for you, mystery boy of my dreams that i will someday be with in the future. i think about what he's going to be like too often. what he will look like, the way he will talk and sound like, and how we will meet. i wonder what he's doing with his life and if he's happy, at this exact moment, and if just maybe, he's thinking of me, too. i actually wrote about this a few weeks ago in my journal. I'll post an excerpt from it later and add it to this blog. I'm performing today, a violin accompaniment, for UIC's Latino Fest. long story short, the songwriter/singer from Righteous Ones was looking for a violinist for his next performance, and he found me through mutual friends. basically I had to come up with a violin interpretation of one of his tracks & will be performing at today's event and an event called HipHop for Haiti at Northeastern a few weeks from now. it's a pretty cool experience getting to use my violin for non-classical purposes =) wish me luck!

edit:
ok, here's the excerpt i promised =)

I can't help thinking about "him" ..when will i meet you? what are you like? are you into musical instruments? will you be a lot taller than me or just tall enough that i could reach up and put my arms around your neck? how does your voice sound.. the way you speak.. how you word your thoughts ? will you be a good listener but still be able to hold a deep conversation with me? can you teach me new things and completely captivate my interest and thoughts towards you? will you like me for me, as is? can you accept all my flaws and weaknesses and still want me? will i be beautiful enough for you, inside and out? do you enjoy reading? could you spend hours in silent companionship with me sitting right next to me just reading, completely comfortable in this way? would you ever read my writings and find them interesting? will you willingly show up to all of my orchestra concerts, sit front row, and smile reassuringly everytime i look at your direction because you can sense i need the support? soo many questions..

^ yeah that's just an excerpt. but i found it kinda interesting that i would be thinking about the same subject, different time, and have the same urge to write about it. i guess subconsciously it's really bothering me. but there's no way to find out more about this mystery guy until i meet him right? i feel like i spend a lot of time waiting for things.. i don't want to be forever waiting.. the fact that i'm impatient notwithstanding.

happy Pi day =)

yup, today's "3.14" = march 14. it woulda been cool if today was an actual holiday, where everyone just ate pie. allll day. yum!

anyways, after doing some reflecting on my past blogs, i realize lately most of what i talk about has to do with my love life.. awkward. i also found out that the link to my blog that i put under the info tab on my facebook is very easily found & accessible to all 978 facebook friends i have. i just never took into account that more than 5% would ever take interest. and the downfall to this site is i can't see who views my blogs. i can only get a number of how many profile views i get, & most people can just read my blogs without ever clicking on my profile, so their numbers aren't recorded. kinda makes me curious to see who's actually been reading about my personal life lol but either way, i'll never be able to know, and i'm okay with that. but if you want to be super awesome and cool, post a smiley face on my facebook wall and nothing more, this month only! and that'll be like your secret way of admitting "why yes, i read your blogs." but the chances are no one's going to do this, because if you guys wanted me to know that you were reading, you would make a blogger account and become a follower =) like the awesome, brave 3 people on the bottom right column of this page. lol but in all honesty, it's totally cool with me if you like reading my blogs anonymously. i'm just happy knowing there are people out there who are even slightly interested in my life. so thank you guys =)

the next thing i wondered about was if i should stop letting myself be so personal and open with these blogs because knowledge is power, and letting the wrong kinds of people get this knowledge about me gives them the power to destroy/really hurt me =( but i came to the decision that i don't want to change the way i write or express myself out of fear of people using my words against me. if anyone ever makes fun of my personal stories and thoughts, i can take it. because at one point, everything i ever wrote/typed was meaningful to me. real talk.

that being said, i will now continue this blog as normal. the orchestra concert last sunday went pretty well. one of my friends who i haven't seen in a while came & it was his first ever live orchestra concert experience =) he said he really enjoyed it & i'm really grateful for his presence and him driving all the way to the city from the suburbs just to see me play! i'm glad he said it was definitely worth coming and is even planning to attend my next concert. to me, friend support is an irreplaceable and vital part of life. i also got to meet 3 new people, the bestfriends of the guy i'm seeing. thanks for coming to my concert and hope i didn't make a terrible first impression! well technically i only met 2 new people, because the other one i met previously at a banquet. so here's your special shoutout Pancho (aka "the best boyfriend ever" to your girl), cuz i know you're reading this lol you are a really chill, dopee person and you're birthday is this tuesday! so happy early birthday and thanks for coming to my concert! i really appreciate it =)

josh had his quartet recital tuesday, and i am sooo proud of how much he has improved as a violinist. his quartet was the best, hands down. then friday he had his first varsity gymnastics meet of the season =) again, very proud. then joel had his final basketball tournament today and his team won all 3 games, making them this year's season champs! trophy and 1st place medals. i am THE proudest older sister in the whole world. both of little brothers are growing up so fast, and making great choices and accomplishments. guess it's my turn to step up and be worthy of being a role-model for them. on a happy note, it's getting warmer outside! i've been dying to get back on the tennis courts, and as soon as it gets above 60 degrees, i'm there. springbreak's coming up too! only 7 more days, and i'm off to houston, texas for the whole week =) can't wait to see all the family and meet one of my bestfriends, Jason, for the first time ever in person. he's friends with my cousins over there and we've been sorta like penpals for the past 4 years, except instead of writing letters, we call, text, IM, etc. so we know each other pretty well, just haven't met yet. overall, i'm pretty excited for this trip! just needa get through this week. but i'm definitely going to be missing a certain person every single day i'm gone.. =(

-jenesis

he makes me smile

3/10/10 "there's only one girl on my mind.. It's you"

=)

Self-explanatory. he can be sooo wonderful sometimes.