sooo. it's been a while since i've made an entry. about time i got back to this, huh? =P
quick update: i'm finally taken.. yes, by the guy who's been in most of my blog posts lol but wanna know something mind-blowing? he found my blog on his own and read some, if not most, of my posts! incredible, right? lol so if you're wondering "why the heck would this girl continue to blog knowing her guy knows what her blog link is and can potentially read everything at any given moment?!" well i figure his initial curiosity should have been fulfilled by now and finding the energy to read through my essay-long, sloppily formatted thoughts, opinions, and concerns just isn't a priority for him. kudos to any readers who still check my blog even though i tend to disappear and reappear at random.
lately i've been doing some deep-thinking regarding what i'm looking for. someone who's charming; must must MUST be able to make me smile and laugh =) someone who's thoughtful and considerate. someone who's interested in me, things that i do, things that i like, and things that i care about. someone who's a good listener because sometimes my world just crumbles and all i need are his arms to hold me securely, reassuringly, and tightly. sometimes a girl just needs someone who will listen. he doesn't need to say anything or try to solve her problems. she just needs to know he's there. in my love life, i can't seem to find the "whole package" kinda guy. i've dated really wonderful, sweet guys who are truly devoted, loving, and desired my attention constantly. but they lacked the physical attraction i needed. so then i dated super attractive studs, but they lacked the emotional connection i had found and liked in previous guys. there has to be a guy out there who can have the best of both qualities, right? =( somedays i just want to fall in love.. completely and absolutely. i found myself listening to love songs all the time lately. and it's not because i'm in that happy, lovesick mood. on the contrary, i've been feeling pretty down and saddened.. and it's like listening to lyrics that are all about how much a person can mean to another and all the other sweet joys that come with true love.. it reminds me to be hopeful. where i am right now with my current love interest is hard to determine because we're still technically new.. and there's just so much to figure out.. i'm learning one of the biggest flaws of my character is that it doesn't matter if everything else in my world is going well, if my love life is in chaos, it directly and completely affects my mood to everything else. when my love life is going wonderfully, the world could be about to end and i would still feel happy and content with life. i dislike how strongly related the status of my love life can affect everything else about me, my mood, feelings, and behavior. how did i end up like this? my biggest weakness and greatest pleasure, one in the same. i just wish i could figure out what i really wanted and find it already. all this confusion is becoming very stressful. i can't even organize my thoughts coherently enough to describe how i feel right now. i think i need a hug =/ somedays are better than others. somedays are far worse than should be possible. i guess i just need to meditate on this a little longer, until everything starts making sense again. i just need to reach emotional equilibrium. calmness, patience, and tranquility.
-jenesis
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
i never told you
"i see your [brown] eyes everytime i close mine. you make it hard to see, where i belong to. when i'm not around you, it's like i'm not with me. but i never told you, what i should have said. no i never told you, i just held it in. and now, i miss everything about you. can't believe that i still want you. after all the things we've been through. i miss everything about you." -I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat
absolutely love this song. why? it's beautiful AND there's not a specific person this song reminds me of. lately i've been getting sick of listening to songs that i can directly relate to. and it's tough when you're a music addict and the majority of your songs and playlists remind you of faces you wish you could forget. so this song is dedicated to no one in particular, but it's a shame because i wish there was someone from my past that was worthy to miss everything about. so instead, this is for you, mystery boy of my dreams that i will someday be with in the future. i think about what he's going to be like too often. what he will look like, the way he will talk and sound like, and how we will meet. i wonder what he's doing with his life and if he's happy, at this exact moment, and if just maybe, he's thinking of me, too. i actually wrote about this a few weeks ago in my journal. I'll post an excerpt from it later and add it to this blog. I'm performing today, a violin accompaniment, for UIC's Latino Fest. long story short, the songwriter/singer from Righteous Ones was looking for a violinist for his next performance, and he found me through mutual friends. basically I had to come up with a violin interpretation of one of his tracks & will be performing at today's event and an event called HipHop for Haiti at Northeastern a few weeks from now. it's a pretty cool experience getting to use my violin for non-classical purposes =) wish me luck!
edit:
ok, here's the excerpt i promised =)
I can't help thinking about "him" ..when will i meet you? what are you like? are you into musical instruments? will you be a lot taller than me or just tall enough that i could reach up and put my arms around your neck? how does your voice sound.. the way you speak.. how you word your thoughts ? will you be a good listener but still be able to hold a deep conversation with me? can you teach me new things and completely captivate my interest and thoughts towards you? will you like me for me, as is? can you accept all my flaws and weaknesses and still want me? will i be beautiful enough for you, inside and out? do you enjoy reading? could you spend hours in silent companionship with me sitting right next to me just reading, completely comfortable in this way? would you ever read my writings and find them interesting? will you willingly show up to all of my orchestra concerts, sit front row, and smile reassuringly everytime i look at your direction because you can sense i need the support? soo many questions..
^ yeah that's just an excerpt. but i found it kinda interesting that i would be thinking about the same subject, different time, and have the same urge to write about it. i guess subconsciously it's really bothering me. but there's no way to find out more about this mystery guy until i meet him right? i feel like i spend a lot of time waiting for things.. i don't want to be forever waiting.. the fact that i'm impatient notwithstanding.
absolutely love this song. why? it's beautiful AND there's not a specific person this song reminds me of. lately i've been getting sick of listening to songs that i can directly relate to. and it's tough when you're a music addict and the majority of your songs and playlists remind you of faces you wish you could forget. so this song is dedicated to no one in particular, but it's a shame because i wish there was someone from my past that was worthy to miss everything about. so instead, this is for you, mystery boy of my dreams that i will someday be with in the future. i think about what he's going to be like too often. what he will look like, the way he will talk and sound like, and how we will meet. i wonder what he's doing with his life and if he's happy, at this exact moment, and if just maybe, he's thinking of me, too. i actually wrote about this a few weeks ago in my journal. I'll post an excerpt from it later and add it to this blog. I'm performing today, a violin accompaniment, for UIC's Latino Fest. long story short, the songwriter/singer from Righteous Ones was looking for a violinist for his next performance, and he found me through mutual friends. basically I had to come up with a violin interpretation of one of his tracks & will be performing at today's event and an event called HipHop for Haiti at Northeastern a few weeks from now. it's a pretty cool experience getting to use my violin for non-classical purposes =) wish me luck!
edit:
ok, here's the excerpt i promised =)
I can't help thinking about "him" ..when will i meet you? what are you like? are you into musical instruments? will you be a lot taller than me or just tall enough that i could reach up and put my arms around your neck? how does your voice sound.. the way you speak.. how you word your thoughts ? will you be a good listener but still be able to hold a deep conversation with me? can you teach me new things and completely captivate my interest and thoughts towards you? will you like me for me, as is? can you accept all my flaws and weaknesses and still want me? will i be beautiful enough for you, inside and out? do you enjoy reading? could you spend hours in silent companionship with me sitting right next to me just reading, completely comfortable in this way? would you ever read my writings and find them interesting? will you willingly show up to all of my orchestra concerts, sit front row, and smile reassuringly everytime i look at your direction because you can sense i need the support? soo many questions..
^ yeah that's just an excerpt. but i found it kinda interesting that i would be thinking about the same subject, different time, and have the same urge to write about it. i guess subconsciously it's really bothering me. but there's no way to find out more about this mystery guy until i meet him right? i feel like i spend a lot of time waiting for things.. i don't want to be forever waiting.. the fact that i'm impatient notwithstanding.
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