clouded

sooo. it's been a while since i've made an entry. about time i got back to this, huh? =P

quick update: i'm finally taken.. yes, by the guy who's been in most of my blog posts lol but wanna know something mind-blowing? he found my blog on his own and read some, if not most, of my posts! incredible, right? lol so if you're wondering "why the heck would this girl continue to blog knowing her guy knows what her blog link is and can potentially read everything at any given moment?!" well i figure his initial curiosity should have been fulfilled by now and finding the energy to read through my essay-long, sloppily formatted thoughts, opinions, and concerns just isn't a priority for him. kudos to any readers who still check my blog even though i tend to disappear and reappear at random.

lately i've been doing some deep-thinking regarding what i'm looking for. someone who's charming; must must MUST be able to make me smile and laugh =) someone who's thoughtful and considerate. someone who's interested in me, things that i do, things that i like, and things that i care about. someone who's a good listener because sometimes my world just crumbles and all i need are his arms to hold me securely, reassuringly, and tightly. sometimes a girl just needs someone who will listen. he doesn't need to say anything or try to solve her problems. she just needs to know he's there. in my love life, i can't seem to find the "whole package" kinda guy. i've dated really wonderful, sweet guys who are truly devoted, loving, and desired my attention constantly. but they lacked the physical attraction i needed. so then i dated super attractive studs, but they lacked the emotional connection i had found and liked in previous guys. there has to be a guy out there who can have the best of both qualities, right? =( somedays i just want to fall in love.. completely and absolutely. i found myself listening to love songs all the time lately. and it's not because i'm in that happy, lovesick mood. on the contrary, i've been feeling pretty down and saddened.. and it's like listening to lyrics that are all about how much a person can mean to another and all the other sweet joys that come with true love.. it reminds me to be hopeful. where i am right now with my current love interest is hard to determine because we're still technically new.. and there's just so much to figure out.. i'm learning one of the biggest flaws of my character is that it doesn't matter if everything else in my world is going well, if my love life is in chaos, it directly and completely affects my mood to everything else. when my love life is going wonderfully, the world could be about to end and i would still feel happy and content with life. i dislike how strongly related the status of my love life can affect everything else about me, my mood, feelings, and behavior. how did i end up like this? my biggest weakness and greatest pleasure, one in the same. i just wish i could figure out what i really wanted and find it already. all this confusion is becoming very stressful. i can't even organize my thoughts coherently enough to describe how i feel right now. i think i need a hug =/ somedays are better than others. somedays are far worse than should be possible. i guess i just need to meditate on this a little longer, until everything starts making sense again. i just need to reach emotional equilibrium. calmness, patience, and tranquility.
-jenesis