acceptance

"please just don't play with me; my paper heart will bleed. this wait for destiny won't do. be with me, please, i beseech you. simple things that make you runaway. catch you if i can..
..i know moving on is easiest when i'm around you."
-My Paper Heart by The All-American Rejects

it's been almost an entire year since you've left my life. you were someone i could be one-hundred-percent completely honest with. i've never let anyone get as close to me as you were. you knew all my deepest secrets; all my weaknesses and flaws completely exposed and you still stayed, unafraid. you were the very essence of the definition of a bestfriend. no one ever supported and believed in me like the way you always did. you cared every second of every minute of everyday. all the guys that have came after you never wanted to let me go because of the way i always treated them right. you taught me how. walking away from you was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i know you're thinking: "if it was so hard, why did you make it look so easy? how the hell could you find a new guy within a week and forget everything we had for the past two years?" allow me to explain. you were my first serious, real relationship. i was so young when we started, and i was so naive. my whole life all i wanted was to find that one, perfect boy and spend the rest of my life with him. when you entered my life, everything happened so fast, and the next thing i know, those three words started coming out. months kept passing and everything kept getting more serious and permanent. how can you know i'm the one person you want to spend everyday with for the rest of your life when we're still figuring out who the heck we really are? college is supposed to be the time we do deep soul-searching and find ourselves. how can i grow, experiment, and learn about what i really want to do with my life while pushing to solidify a permanent future with you? i hate to use this term, but we were tying each other down. it wasn't just about me; you needed space to grow too. but you were always so stubbornly decided that i'm the one and you won't ever want anyone else. if i had never let you go, do you think you would be doing all the amazing things you are now? with your photography, car, and religious activities, you're really growing and finally pursuing your true interests. when we were together, it was like a packaged deal; no one saw us as individuals any more. for example,your photo shoots revolved around me and my performances. you stopped playing guitar. you barely made time for your other friends. it was like we were creating our own world where only you and me existed. i couldn't take it anymore. i let go of everything. not just for my sake, but a lot for your own sake. i've changed so much since and hope you have too.

i wanted to hate you sooo much. everytime i saw your picture, it's like i'm frozen in time for a second, and everything goes numb. you promised we would be friends again once you got over us. i may have walked away from the relationship, but you walked out of my life. there were so many times when i really needed you, as my bestfriend, as someone who cared. it's been almost a complete year. don't tell me you can't move on, because you can. you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. i know things are going to be very different, but deep down, i also know that you're still my bestfriend. one of my ex's showed me this facebook fanpage: "if ex's can still be friends, they are still in love or they never were." so here's me admitting it: i was not in love. why? because i didn't know the real meaning of love back then and i'm still learning what it is now. i really, truly, and deeply cared about you, but i can finally understand that it wasn't love. and i'm sorry, for everything. but it's all in the past now. so will you please wake up already and realize you miss hanging out with me too? i used to have a realll big problem with my jealousy. but again, i've changed a lot. a lot of it has to do with the new people in my life. one person in particular, seems to be making me a better person everyday. i would love for you to meet him someday, but i know it's going to take time.

to the rest of the bloggers out there, can someone tell me why "ex's" are such a forbidden topic? why do guys hate it when girls even mention the word? and why do girls get this inexplicable strong jealousy towards the guy-they're-currently dating's-ex? i know the natural instinct is to make comparisons to see if you're an improvement, right? i used to have a huge problem with this type of jealousy, but it's starting to finally hit me: the only crime that the ex-girlfriend committed was falling for the same guy you fell for. and if you really think the guy you're with now is amazing, can you blame her? clearly it just means she had good taste in men too =) i guess the only thing left to be jealous about is how he feels with you versus how he felt with her? but i guess i can be content with the fact that she wasn't what he wanted, and the fact that he's with me now means i am. i should probably admit that i've never been dumped. all my breakups resulted in me leaving him or a mutual breakup. so i guess i would feel a lot worse if i was the ex-gf and he dumped me because i wasn't "good enough." sigh =/ sooner or later, it's going to happen to me, though, and it might change the way i look at ex's. right now, i'm happy to say i have a few ex's who are really cool and we're still good friends. our friendship is pretty strong because there's something about being in a relationship that makes you get to really know someone on a deep, personal level, and being able to walk out of that relationship and stay friends makes the best kind of friendship because you guys understand each other on that deeper level. they're the best people to seek advice from because they know you like not many other people can.

now to explain why i have those song lyrics included in this post. even though i've been in a few relationships after my first serious one, there were parts i never got over but now i can finally and honestly say i've reached closure. i finally deleted notes/videos/etc that i was holding onto "just in case." i'm starting a new chapter in my life, and i found the right person to start it with =) he's completely different than anyone else i know. he frustrates me, makes me question what am i even doing, makes me feel self conscious like as if he can see right through me, and through all this, i've never learned more about who i am, likes/dislikes, and who i'm not from anyone else. he's changing me, for the better, and he doesn't even know it. i'm learning what it means to really accept someone, as is. in the past i might have said i accepted someone, but in truth i probably influenced them to change until i really accepted them or that flaw was the reason i had to end things, because i couldn't really accept them. this time, i'm going to want to be with him for everything he is, just the way he is, or not at all. he's not like all the guys in the past, who just fall and think i'm everything they've been looking for. he stands his ground. he's a challenge, and i wouldn't have it any other way. and it's through everything i've learned being with him that finally made me strong enough to move on. everyday is different with him. i'm happy =)

yeah, i guess i had a lot on my mind. i need to get back to studying, so i'll end things here. hope everyone's been doing well. if you actually read this entire post, props! this is probably one of my most personal posts on this blog. it was difficult typing all this out, so i can only imagine how hard it is to read lol
-Jenesis