2-24-10 "does [my crush's name] like you? Yes. Does he want to be with you? Yes."

=)

Soooo happy.. You guys don't even know. I've waited so long to hear him say those words.. And he played it off like it should have been obvious! But if you've been keeping up with my blogs, you guys know how depressingly confused I was about the way he feels about me. There was a point where I was almost convinced I just wasn't his type & he could never want me. All those emotions & thoughts.. Finally hit its climax yesterday & he probably won't ever know how happy I felt to hear him confirm the way he feels.. I don't have to be so afraid to like him willingly now.. I should remain cautious but it's soo hard when I like him so much.. even just the small things that he does.. I replay my favorite scenes/ moments with him in my mind all the time.. I'd be tripping over the way he looks when he smiles for hours.. But yeahhh.. He is amazing. and he likes me. And wants to be with me. =)

-jenesis

He's a Showstopper

"you're a showstopper. you are SO hot. and i can't get you off my mind" -Showstopper by Aj Rafael

So after a month or so of seeing this song title on countless fb statuses and lyrics quoted everywhere, i finally caved in and checked the song out last night. totally loved it. sweet&simple, the song makes its point =) the next step? i looked up the tabs & lyrics and spent my night playing the song insteada studying lol i'm playing with strum patterns and revising some of the lyrics appropriately, but overall am completely excited that i learned it =) i guess a part of it is because the target of my interest was on my mind all night and this was a good way of expressing it constructively. Josh is tryna teach me how to play "officially missing you" by tamia, but i'm still a noob so it's going to take a little more time lol

do you ever wish you could just completely blend in a crowd? become the essence of unnoticeable? i know the majority of the world is advocating to stand out, blah blah. but somedays i wish there was a way to deflect all forms of attention. i like hats. i like wearing hats, i like guys who can really pull off wearing hats, and i like hiding behind hats. i don't think i'm super attractive, but there are too many incidents when i get inappropriately holla'd at. in front of professors, important adult figures, my mom, anyone that shouldn't witness it, etc. days i wear hats, i can avoid most of the unwanted attention because the hat is like a shelter, protecting me from having to make eye contact with strangers. when i'm just walking around campus, hair's messed up because of the wind, and it's a day when i just didn't put much effort to try to look pretty, i still attract guys i don't want. is there an on/off switch when it comes to scouting out attractive guys/girls? i know i'm not looking for cute boys or to meet the man of my dreams in the 10-15minute walk to my next class. a part of that can also possibly be because i'm already seeing someone who surpasses every other guy you could possibly run into in a day, i'm biased, and i don't want to see any other guy. yes, i know this sounds problematic, but my walls are down. there's no denying the truth. even guys i had crushes on/consider attractive don't appear as desirable as they did months ago. what's going on?? what made this change and why am i not trying to reverse it? when did i unconsciously decide to completely fall for this kid.. i wish my mind had caught up with my heart in time to put up some flashing warnings and remind me to be cautious. now it's too late and i've jumped.. praying as every second passes, that he's gunna catch me. ohh boy.

string ensemble is becoming a stressful headache. it's coming to a point where i can't even enjoy the music.. i need to find a new outlet. i've been neglecting my library card.. it's time to get back into more frequent visits and getting lost in the fiction. but maybe i haven't resorted to it recently because even though there's so much pressure and stress enveloping my world lately, when your heart's happy how can the rest of you feel any other way?

p.s. the urban dictionary(i know i use this site too much lol) definition of "showstopper" is: one who is so good, he will stop you in your tracks

thanks for readinggg!
-Jenesis

strawberry whirl

yeah, don't ask me about my titles. lol i'm running out of creative titles; therefore, i used the name of the drink i'm sippin on from jamba juice. =)

by the way, this is terrible weather to be drinking fruit smoothies! it's sooo cold outside. and cold drink only amplifies the coldness factor. i highly recommend something like Starbucks..or even Carribou =P lately, i've been switching my loyalties back and forth between both. again, don't ask. lol.

so things in the string ensemble went as bad as i predicted, but it was for just one rehearsal, hopefully. we'll see how things go today. it would have been a horrid start of my week/very depressing day, but right after class, i got to spend time with this one kid who made my day better. =) i'll leave things at that.

i've been in a better mood these past few days.. blah blah blah ok, ok i really just wanted to blog about how cool this one one kid is. =) he's soooo cute. like, if you were to see him, you'd forget how to breathe for a few seconds. i loveee the sound of his voice. it's that perfect deep, but not too deep, clear kinda voice that makes you wish you could call him all the time & just hear him speak for hours. he has these eyes you could totally stare into and read how he feels. his smile.. it makes me lose any train of thought i was having, and suddenly i start babbling about incoherent nonsense. did i mention, he's cute?!?! & definitely charming, when he wants to be =P so yeah, i'm being vulnerable to the world & letting my emotions get the better of me for this blog. i'm totally crushing. and he knows =) i think we're making progress. i know it's been a really rough, complicated past few months, but our communication is getting much better. lol is it so silly to be crushing on the guy you've been dating on&off for the past few months? maybe. but i don't care. lately, we've been good =) which is such a stress reliever when i'm used to always being in this clouded, directionless stump with him. not knowing where anything was going, if there really was anything, or if he was even interested. now i know a little more, and it's making all the difference =) he's being hopeful. somedays, he still feels like a total mystery. but at least i know we're both really trying now. trying to understand each other & trying to make this into something more. remember one of my earlier blogs about how 'i just wish i knew if i was making any progress'? and other depressing, related questions? lol well i don't know all the answers, but what i do know is enough for me. i'm crushing pretty hard on this kid, but even though he doesn't feel completely as strongly as me, there's something! i just.. need to keep whatever that 'something' is growing. i think he called it an indescribable feeling? lol helpful, i know =P

today's Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent! i finally figured what i should give up earlier this morning: desserts. in every form. dun dun dun. i know, sounds impossible, especially because i have sugar cravings on a daily basis. but if i can make myself suffer for 40 days, maybe this will be a healthy decision and have long-term effects on my diet! then i won't have to worry so much about getting diabetes! lol we'll see. wish me luck =)

ok, off to class. need to stop daydreaminggg. especially in class. i'll be sitting in lecture, focusing very intently, when out of nowhere the professor will say something that triggers a thought about this kid i'm crushing on & off my mind goes. it'll take me about 1-2minutes to recover/realize that i'm daydreaming & not paying attention to class anymore lol and then i want to kick myself for missing something important in class because my mind's where he's at. ayaa. the dangers of crushes. =P byeee!

distance

today was very productive. did a lot of cleaning & organizing. went shopping with josh & ryan. then headed to church early. it was so refreshing to be out with two cool kids & just sharing stories & laughter. then at church, caught up with a really nice old friend i haven't seen in forever. she asked me if i still had any feelings at all for my ex & i was actually surprised of how sure i was of my answer: no. i would love to fix our friendship but i just don't love him as more than that anymore. i think i have finally reached closure. he showed up too. it's always awkward seeing each other, mainly because he is blatantly ignoring me. but i can honestly say i just don't love him anymore. that doesn't mean i don't care about him, because i do, but i just could not ever see us getting back together. we've both changed and we're just too different now. i hope he can still find happiness everyday & that someday he'll get over us so we can be friends. i miss our friendship. i know it hurts to see me, but i can't help you avoid me if you won't communicate with me & at least tell me what days you are going to show up to meetings/events/ bible study. if you would at least tell me that much, i would surely make the effort to avoid showing up on those days on purpose so you don't have to see me. i don't want to cause you any more pain. i never meant to hurt you. i never saw any of this coming. but please, just work with me now. it hurts to see you too, you know.

it's cold.

what is he looking for? what does he want in a girl? does she have to be a specific height, in a certain weight range, does the color of her eyes or hair matter? does she have to be able to sing perfectly or write in graceful calligraphy? what kind of style does he prefer that she dress? how high does he expect her IQ to be? what kind of music does he expect her to be into? etc..

this is me. i've been standing here, right in front of you the whole time. i can't change the way i look or the fact that sometimes i get off-balanced and can be a little clumsy. i don't know how to properly use chopsticks. my voice is a little too high-pitched somedays. but i'm being myself with you every second. why can't you accept me just the way i am? why is there always something wrong with me according to you.. the way i talk, the way i can't hold your interest, how i ruin conversations because i bring up a would-be normal topic to anyone else but hits nerves on your end. i can't read your mind. i'm not perfect. stop making me feel like i need to fix myself because you make it seem like there's something terribly wrong with me. i've never been so insecure in anyone else's presence like the way i am when i'm with you. it hurts. a lot. you make it feel like spending time with me is a hassle & like i'm not worth your time. i feel like you're always judging me; judging my every move, word, action, expression. and if i don't pass judgment, you tend to get easily upset with me. somedays i feel like you don't understand me at all and aren't making an effort to either. why does everything have to be so difficult between us? i really care about you and you're breaking my heart.

i just.. need to know that you're going to be worth all this in the end. i'm not quitting on us because i want to believe we could be something amazing.

i'm switching back & forth between love songs & sad songs.
current playlist:
jump then fall -taylor swift
over my head -the fray
temporary -gabe bondoc
crush -david archuleta
if i fail -cartel
a case of you -reynard silva
just so you know -jesse mccartney
speak up -kristinia debarge
miracle -paramore
falling -sadie ama

Bliss with a side of Stress

good morning =)

i woke up late today, almost ran over the mailbox on my way out, and got to class 3 minutes late.. success! lol one of the biggest things on my mind all week has been the string ensemble. i had auditions monday for possible re-seating purposes, and i'm terrified of being moved out of the 1st violin section. about 10 others had to go through the re-audition too, but they were all 2nd violins; thus, they have nothing to lose, only gain, from this. our first concert is march 3rd? somewhere around there. and i have been practicing the music pretty thoroughly because half of the songs are actually pretty challenging this semester. i really like the music repertoire for this upcoming concert, and the best part of all this is being in the 1st violin section and getting to always play the melody. i really don't know what i'll do if i get moved out. =( lately, my world's been so chaotic, and the string ensemble has been my only safe haven where i can just tune the rest of the world out and focus on creating beautiful music. i mean, i'm sure the professor's intentions for this re-audition is simply in the best interest for the orchestra, making sure the balance of strong and weak players is solid in both violin sections, etc. but i know i'm a good player, i work my fingers off practicing if there's anything that prohibits me from keeping par with the others in my section (because they are all super talented), and i have the passion/drive for it. my only problem is the performance anxiety i get during auditions. i can play the excerpts and scales almost perfectly every time practicing at home in my room, in front of friends, or practically anyone, but put me in front of the person responsible for judging my every movement and note, and i'm a nervous wreck who makes mistake after mistake. it's not fair. =( i know what i'm capable of and truly feel where i'm currently seated is entirely beneficial for the entire orchestra. but how can i prove that to the professor when i can't even stop my hands from shaking the moment i enter the audition room? i know.. i sound so pathetic. =/ but this is really important to me.. we were supposed to find out the results yesterday, but he never brought it up. so i'm guessing maybe monday now? i just want to know already so i can stop stressing over this and feel secure again. the worst that can possibly happen is that he moves me to the 2nd violin section, i have to re-learn all the songs with a different part with the concert coming up in less than a month, and my self-esteem will drop a bazillion levels. the best that can happen is he keeps me in the 1st violin section, even if he moves what stand i'm at, and that's all i want. just to stay in the section. unfortunately, what i want isn't always what's best, ya know? well, i already did everything i could possibly do for this audition. hours of dedicated practice, seeking outside help from a player who's a million times better than me, and mock auditioning in front of multiple people. i did my best during the audition that i could under the strenuous situation and walked out of it feeling like i could have done so much better if i hadn't been so nervous. but could you blame me? this one audition is going to determine where i'll be sitting for the next few months and what kind of music i'll get to play. to anyone else, this probably doesn't sound like it should matter at all, but to me, this is a big part of my world. i have so much to balance in my life and if this part crumbles, i'm going to feel unstable. =/ because my world is always so busy and over-crowded, the smallest change can upset its entire balance. i know we don't have the best orchestra in this state/city, but i am very proud to be a part of it because there is so much talent and what we can bring to each song is amazing. i can't wait till the concert and when everything comes together; i'm positive it'll be a great performance. so you guys should really consider marking it on your calendars and attending =) admission is free! it'll be worth your time and a good experience for anyone who's never been exposed to live classical music performances. plus, you can come and support me! yay =)

on a side note, valentine's day is coming up. February 14th is also my half-birthday! i turn 19 and a half lol it's crazy how young that actually sounds when you think about it. most of my friends are already turning 20, and i'm just hitting my half year mark of my 19th year lol i'm making new friends =) i know, that sounds so juvenile, but it's exciting. being surrounded by the same people you've known forever and ever is very comforting and enjoyable, but making new company is pretty cool =) people i've just met & it's like they fit right into my life as if they had always been there to begin with. it's crazy how life works like that. making long-term, meaningful friendships are very important to me. connecting to people in a way where we can both count on each other for anything, share crazy experiences and memories together, share those moments when just looking at each other, you find yourselves smiling =) and to all my friends who feel like we've been losing that connection, know that i'm only a phone call away and vice versa, it's my responsibility to reach out to you guys too. then there are those bestfriend relationships where we could go half a year or so without ever physically seeing each other, and hangout one time after all that time has passed, and it'd be as if no time has passed because our relationship is so easy-going and we can just re-connect like it's nothing. =) i love those kinds of friends i got like that because no matter how many miles separate us, we're still sooo close! and we both know nothing can ever change that; we were meant to be in each other's lives =) people change, things change, change is an inevitable part of life, but being able to adapt to those changes is the difference between keeping friendships or letting them fade away. i don't know how i got to this subject; i swear my random tangents are getting worse with each blog lol but back to my sidenote! with valentine's day coming up, my only plans are as follows: me & the mom are going to be making strawberries dipped in chocolate and white chocolate desserts for her co-workers and friends, i'm working on valentine's day, and when i get back home, there's a Sonny With A Chance marathon that should be playing up until the premier of "StarStruck" starring Sterling Knight, one of my celeb crushes lol, and that is how i plan to spend my valentine's day =) also known as Single Awareness Day, it's just one holiday that's going to come and go. just need to live through one day, and then this crazy season of excessive PDA and couple-cuteness alerts will die back down to bearable levels. hope every couple has a wonderful valentine's day & expresses the way they feel about each other in the most romantic ways they can think of.

i really need to force myself to get back into this blogging thing more consistently! my typing ability has slowed down dramatically, it's pretty pathetic lol but yeah, this was an experience =) blogging in the morning when there's bright sunshine out has led to a blog filled with happy faces and exclamation marks and a happier tone. interesting, huh. maybe i should make it a habit to balance morning blog posts and night blog posts, conduct a minor experiment seeing which types of posts are more effective in helping me reach emotional equilibrium, and blah blah blah.. jenesis, you rant like a nerd. lol i'll end things here because i should be studying and doing more productive things in the 2 hours it took me to type this lol peace, love, and happiness =)
-Jenesis