Bliss with a side of Stress

good morning =)

i woke up late today, almost ran over the mailbox on my way out, and got to class 3 minutes late.. success! lol one of the biggest things on my mind all week has been the string ensemble. i had auditions monday for possible re-seating purposes, and i'm terrified of being moved out of the 1st violin section. about 10 others had to go through the re-audition too, but they were all 2nd violins; thus, they have nothing to lose, only gain, from this. our first concert is march 3rd? somewhere around there. and i have been practicing the music pretty thoroughly because half of the songs are actually pretty challenging this semester. i really like the music repertoire for this upcoming concert, and the best part of all this is being in the 1st violin section and getting to always play the melody. i really don't know what i'll do if i get moved out. =( lately, my world's been so chaotic, and the string ensemble has been my only safe haven where i can just tune the rest of the world out and focus on creating beautiful music. i mean, i'm sure the professor's intentions for this re-audition is simply in the best interest for the orchestra, making sure the balance of strong and weak players is solid in both violin sections, etc. but i know i'm a good player, i work my fingers off practicing if there's anything that prohibits me from keeping par with the others in my section (because they are all super talented), and i have the passion/drive for it. my only problem is the performance anxiety i get during auditions. i can play the excerpts and scales almost perfectly every time practicing at home in my room, in front of friends, or practically anyone, but put me in front of the person responsible for judging my every movement and note, and i'm a nervous wreck who makes mistake after mistake. it's not fair. =( i know what i'm capable of and truly feel where i'm currently seated is entirely beneficial for the entire orchestra. but how can i prove that to the professor when i can't even stop my hands from shaking the moment i enter the audition room? i know.. i sound so pathetic. =/ but this is really important to me.. we were supposed to find out the results yesterday, but he never brought it up. so i'm guessing maybe monday now? i just want to know already so i can stop stressing over this and feel secure again. the worst that can possibly happen is that he moves me to the 2nd violin section, i have to re-learn all the songs with a different part with the concert coming up in less than a month, and my self-esteem will drop a bazillion levels. the best that can happen is he keeps me in the 1st violin section, even if he moves what stand i'm at, and that's all i want. just to stay in the section. unfortunately, what i want isn't always what's best, ya know? well, i already did everything i could possibly do for this audition. hours of dedicated practice, seeking outside help from a player who's a million times better than me, and mock auditioning in front of multiple people. i did my best during the audition that i could under the strenuous situation and walked out of it feeling like i could have done so much better if i hadn't been so nervous. but could you blame me? this one audition is going to determine where i'll be sitting for the next few months and what kind of music i'll get to play. to anyone else, this probably doesn't sound like it should matter at all, but to me, this is a big part of my world. i have so much to balance in my life and if this part crumbles, i'm going to feel unstable. =/ because my world is always so busy and over-crowded, the smallest change can upset its entire balance. i know we don't have the best orchestra in this state/city, but i am very proud to be a part of it because there is so much talent and what we can bring to each song is amazing. i can't wait till the concert and when everything comes together; i'm positive it'll be a great performance. so you guys should really consider marking it on your calendars and attending =) admission is free! it'll be worth your time and a good experience for anyone who's never been exposed to live classical music performances. plus, you can come and support me! yay =)

on a side note, valentine's day is coming up. February 14th is also my half-birthday! i turn 19 and a half lol it's crazy how young that actually sounds when you think about it. most of my friends are already turning 20, and i'm just hitting my half year mark of my 19th year lol i'm making new friends =) i know, that sounds so juvenile, but it's exciting. being surrounded by the same people you've known forever and ever is very comforting and enjoyable, but making new company is pretty cool =) people i've just met & it's like they fit right into my life as if they had always been there to begin with. it's crazy how life works like that. making long-term, meaningful friendships are very important to me. connecting to people in a way where we can both count on each other for anything, share crazy experiences and memories together, share those moments when just looking at each other, you find yourselves smiling =) and to all my friends who feel like we've been losing that connection, know that i'm only a phone call away and vice versa, it's my responsibility to reach out to you guys too. then there are those bestfriend relationships where we could go half a year or so without ever physically seeing each other, and hangout one time after all that time has passed, and it'd be as if no time has passed because our relationship is so easy-going and we can just re-connect like it's nothing. =) i love those kinds of friends i got like that because no matter how many miles separate us, we're still sooo close! and we both know nothing can ever change that; we were meant to be in each other's lives =) people change, things change, change is an inevitable part of life, but being able to adapt to those changes is the difference between keeping friendships or letting them fade away. i don't know how i got to this subject; i swear my random tangents are getting worse with each blog lol but back to my sidenote! with valentine's day coming up, my only plans are as follows: me & the mom are going to be making strawberries dipped in chocolate and white chocolate desserts for her co-workers and friends, i'm working on valentine's day, and when i get back home, there's a Sonny With A Chance marathon that should be playing up until the premier of "StarStruck" starring Sterling Knight, one of my celeb crushes lol, and that is how i plan to spend my valentine's day =) also known as Single Awareness Day, it's just one holiday that's going to come and go. just need to live through one day, and then this crazy season of excessive PDA and couple-cuteness alerts will die back down to bearable levels. hope every couple has a wonderful valentine's day & expresses the way they feel about each other in the most romantic ways they can think of.

i really need to force myself to get back into this blogging thing more consistently! my typing ability has slowed down dramatically, it's pretty pathetic lol but yeah, this was an experience =) blogging in the morning when there's bright sunshine out has led to a blog filled with happy faces and exclamation marks and a happier tone. interesting, huh. maybe i should make it a habit to balance morning blog posts and night blog posts, conduct a minor experiment seeing which types of posts are more effective in helping me reach emotional equilibrium, and blah blah blah.. jenesis, you rant like a nerd. lol i'll end things here because i should be studying and doing more productive things in the 2 hours it took me to type this lol peace, love, and happiness =)
-Jenesis