the incredibles

he takes the time to patiently&kindly explain a gaming concept when others laugh at how much of a noob I am. he uses his time&resources to give legit advice and help to find the perfect gift for a guy he doesn't even know. he is currently halfway around the world, bodyguarding in Dubai, and no matter where he is, he always checks on me, concerned with even my most trivial problems. he doesn't approve of the guy I want to be with, but still stands behind my every decision & helps me cope&recover from the bad ones. he spends his free time coaching soccer for little kids and giving me reasons to smile when I'm a mess. he believes in me & defends me against anyone, including my own parents. Guys like these give me hope. I just named 6 & you know who you are. I want you to know how much I appreciate every little and big thing you guys do. whether it's on a daily basis or just consistent over time, being there for me is quite a job. I'm unique in my complicatedness, and I don't know how you guys manage to deal with me so well. But every little action you do makes my life better. Chivarly is not dead. You guys are living proof. And there are so many more people i'm grateful for having in my life, but these 6 have just been above and beyond extraordinary. They're my heroes, and they save the day without superpowers or shiny capes. And the descriptions of the 6 are just snapshots of the things they do. i could write a book on all the ways my life has been impacted by their acts of kindness. I wish there was an "amazing guys in our life appreciation day" or "men who really care appreciation day" or something like that. I'm usually more creative with random holiday titles, but my mind is still recovering from being blown away by their incredibleness. Thank You, for all that you are.

With Love and Admiration,
-Jenesis

distracted

ever feel like everything's off-centered, as if the entire world changed the direction it revolved over night? most days, i consider myself to be a morning person. i used to enjoy waking up before 8am because it was always peaceful and for the most part, silent. but lately, when i wake up, i feel different.. unsure if everything that happened last night was real.. and it's like any progress made throughout the day that climaxed at night completely restarts when i wake up. i can't focus when it's silent anymore either. i can't remember the last day i went without listening to any music at all. it's frustrating, mainly because i have no idea when this change began nor how to reverse it. so what's the game plan? i'm going back to the basics. i figure if i get back into my element(s) and surround myself with the familiar and comforting, the world will righten itself overnight again. i know that sounds pretty ridiculous, but what do you do when you get lost? you try to be found.
what are my basics? in no particular order:
1. the addiction of music
2. insatiable thirst for literature
3. the arts of self-expression
4. the infamous love interest
5. faith and beliefs
6. health and well-being

if i can re-focus on those basics, maybe things will start falling back into place. i'm tired of this disoriented feeling; it's mentally and physically exhausting.

i wish i could read your mind. i wish that i could know what you really think of me.i wish i knew how you really felt about me. i wish we had better communication. i wish you could read my mind.

-jenesis

acceptance

"please just don't play with me; my paper heart will bleed. this wait for destiny won't do. be with me, please, i beseech you. simple things that make you runaway. catch you if i can..
..i know moving on is easiest when i'm around you."
-My Paper Heart by The All-American Rejects

it's been almost an entire year since you've left my life. you were someone i could be one-hundred-percent completely honest with. i've never let anyone get as close to me as you were. you knew all my deepest secrets; all my weaknesses and flaws completely exposed and you still stayed, unafraid. you were the very essence of the definition of a bestfriend. no one ever supported and believed in me like the way you always did. you cared every second of every minute of everyday. all the guys that have came after you never wanted to let me go because of the way i always treated them right. you taught me how. walking away from you was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i know you're thinking: "if it was so hard, why did you make it look so easy? how the hell could you find a new guy within a week and forget everything we had for the past two years?" allow me to explain. you were my first serious, real relationship. i was so young when we started, and i was so naive. my whole life all i wanted was to find that one, perfect boy and spend the rest of my life with him. when you entered my life, everything happened so fast, and the next thing i know, those three words started coming out. months kept passing and everything kept getting more serious and permanent. how can you know i'm the one person you want to spend everyday with for the rest of your life when we're still figuring out who the heck we really are? college is supposed to be the time we do deep soul-searching and find ourselves. how can i grow, experiment, and learn about what i really want to do with my life while pushing to solidify a permanent future with you? i hate to use this term, but we were tying each other down. it wasn't just about me; you needed space to grow too. but you were always so stubbornly decided that i'm the one and you won't ever want anyone else. if i had never let you go, do you think you would be doing all the amazing things you are now? with your photography, car, and religious activities, you're really growing and finally pursuing your true interests. when we were together, it was like a packaged deal; no one saw us as individuals any more. for example,your photo shoots revolved around me and my performances. you stopped playing guitar. you barely made time for your other friends. it was like we were creating our own world where only you and me existed. i couldn't take it anymore. i let go of everything. not just for my sake, but a lot for your own sake. i've changed so much since and hope you have too.

i wanted to hate you sooo much. everytime i saw your picture, it's like i'm frozen in time for a second, and everything goes numb. you promised we would be friends again once you got over us. i may have walked away from the relationship, but you walked out of my life. there were so many times when i really needed you, as my bestfriend, as someone who cared. it's been almost a complete year. don't tell me you can't move on, because you can. you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. i know things are going to be very different, but deep down, i also know that you're still my bestfriend. one of my ex's showed me this facebook fanpage: "if ex's can still be friends, they are still in love or they never were." so here's me admitting it: i was not in love. why? because i didn't know the real meaning of love back then and i'm still learning what it is now. i really, truly, and deeply cared about you, but i can finally understand that it wasn't love. and i'm sorry, for everything. but it's all in the past now. so will you please wake up already and realize you miss hanging out with me too? i used to have a realll big problem with my jealousy. but again, i've changed a lot. a lot of it has to do with the new people in my life. one person in particular, seems to be making me a better person everyday. i would love for you to meet him someday, but i know it's going to take time.

to the rest of the bloggers out there, can someone tell me why "ex's" are such a forbidden topic? why do guys hate it when girls even mention the word? and why do girls get this inexplicable strong jealousy towards the guy-they're-currently dating's-ex? i know the natural instinct is to make comparisons to see if you're an improvement, right? i used to have a huge problem with this type of jealousy, but it's starting to finally hit me: the only crime that the ex-girlfriend committed was falling for the same guy you fell for. and if you really think the guy you're with now is amazing, can you blame her? clearly it just means she had good taste in men too =) i guess the only thing left to be jealous about is how he feels with you versus how he felt with her? but i guess i can be content with the fact that she wasn't what he wanted, and the fact that he's with me now means i am. i should probably admit that i've never been dumped. all my breakups resulted in me leaving him or a mutual breakup. so i guess i would feel a lot worse if i was the ex-gf and he dumped me because i wasn't "good enough." sigh =/ sooner or later, it's going to happen to me, though, and it might change the way i look at ex's. right now, i'm happy to say i have a few ex's who are really cool and we're still good friends. our friendship is pretty strong because there's something about being in a relationship that makes you get to really know someone on a deep, personal level, and being able to walk out of that relationship and stay friends makes the best kind of friendship because you guys understand each other on that deeper level. they're the best people to seek advice from because they know you like not many other people can.

now to explain why i have those song lyrics included in this post. even though i've been in a few relationships after my first serious one, there were parts i never got over but now i can finally and honestly say i've reached closure. i finally deleted notes/videos/etc that i was holding onto "just in case." i'm starting a new chapter in my life, and i found the right person to start it with =) he's completely different than anyone else i know. he frustrates me, makes me question what am i even doing, makes me feel self conscious like as if he can see right through me, and through all this, i've never learned more about who i am, likes/dislikes, and who i'm not from anyone else. he's changing me, for the better, and he doesn't even know it. i'm learning what it means to really accept someone, as is. in the past i might have said i accepted someone, but in truth i probably influenced them to change until i really accepted them or that flaw was the reason i had to end things, because i couldn't really accept them. this time, i'm going to want to be with him for everything he is, just the way he is, or not at all. he's not like all the guys in the past, who just fall and think i'm everything they've been looking for. he stands his ground. he's a challenge, and i wouldn't have it any other way. and it's through everything i've learned being with him that finally made me strong enough to move on. everyday is different with him. i'm happy =)

yeah, i guess i had a lot on my mind. i need to get back to studying, so i'll end things here. hope everyone's been doing well. if you actually read this entire post, props! this is probably one of my most personal posts on this blog. it was difficult typing all this out, so i can only imagine how hard it is to read lol
-Jenesis

clouded

sooo. it's been a while since i've made an entry. about time i got back to this, huh? =P

quick update: i'm finally taken.. yes, by the guy who's been in most of my blog posts lol but wanna know something mind-blowing? he found my blog on his own and read some, if not most, of my posts! incredible, right? lol so if you're wondering "why the heck would this girl continue to blog knowing her guy knows what her blog link is and can potentially read everything at any given moment?!" well i figure his initial curiosity should have been fulfilled by now and finding the energy to read through my essay-long, sloppily formatted thoughts, opinions, and concerns just isn't a priority for him. kudos to any readers who still check my blog even though i tend to disappear and reappear at random.

lately i've been doing some deep-thinking regarding what i'm looking for. someone who's charming; must must MUST be able to make me smile and laugh =) someone who's thoughtful and considerate. someone who's interested in me, things that i do, things that i like, and things that i care about. someone who's a good listener because sometimes my world just crumbles and all i need are his arms to hold me securely, reassuringly, and tightly. sometimes a girl just needs someone who will listen. he doesn't need to say anything or try to solve her problems. she just needs to know he's there. in my love life, i can't seem to find the "whole package" kinda guy. i've dated really wonderful, sweet guys who are truly devoted, loving, and desired my attention constantly. but they lacked the physical attraction i needed. so then i dated super attractive studs, but they lacked the emotional connection i had found and liked in previous guys. there has to be a guy out there who can have the best of both qualities, right? =( somedays i just want to fall in love.. completely and absolutely. i found myself listening to love songs all the time lately. and it's not because i'm in that happy, lovesick mood. on the contrary, i've been feeling pretty down and saddened.. and it's like listening to lyrics that are all about how much a person can mean to another and all the other sweet joys that come with true love.. it reminds me to be hopeful. where i am right now with my current love interest is hard to determine because we're still technically new.. and there's just so much to figure out.. i'm learning one of the biggest flaws of my character is that it doesn't matter if everything else in my world is going well, if my love life is in chaos, it directly and completely affects my mood to everything else. when my love life is going wonderfully, the world could be about to end and i would still feel happy and content with life. i dislike how strongly related the status of my love life can affect everything else about me, my mood, feelings, and behavior. how did i end up like this? my biggest weakness and greatest pleasure, one in the same. i just wish i could figure out what i really wanted and find it already. all this confusion is becoming very stressful. i can't even organize my thoughts coherently enough to describe how i feel right now. i think i need a hug =/ somedays are better than others. somedays are far worse than should be possible. i guess i just need to meditate on this a little longer, until everything starts making sense again. i just need to reach emotional equilibrium. calmness, patience, and tranquility.
-jenesis

i never told you

"i see your [brown] eyes everytime i close mine. you make it hard to see, where i belong to. when i'm not around you, it's like i'm not with me. but i never told you, what i should have said. no i never told you, i just held it in. and now, i miss everything about you. can't believe that i still want you. after all the things we've been through. i miss everything about you." -I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat

absolutely love this song. why? it's beautiful AND there's not a specific person this song reminds me of. lately i've been getting sick of listening to songs that i can directly relate to. and it's tough when you're a music addict and the majority of your songs and playlists remind you of faces you wish you could forget. so this song is dedicated to no one in particular, but it's a shame because i wish there was someone from my past that was worthy to miss everything about. so instead, this is for you, mystery boy of my dreams that i will someday be with in the future. i think about what he's going to be like too often. what he will look like, the way he will talk and sound like, and how we will meet. i wonder what he's doing with his life and if he's happy, at this exact moment, and if just maybe, he's thinking of me, too. i actually wrote about this a few weeks ago in my journal. I'll post an excerpt from it later and add it to this blog. I'm performing today, a violin accompaniment, for UIC's Latino Fest. long story short, the songwriter/singer from Righteous Ones was looking for a violinist for his next performance, and he found me through mutual friends. basically I had to come up with a violin interpretation of one of his tracks & will be performing at today's event and an event called HipHop for Haiti at Northeastern a few weeks from now. it's a pretty cool experience getting to use my violin for non-classical purposes =) wish me luck!

edit:
ok, here's the excerpt i promised =)

I can't help thinking about "him" ..when will i meet you? what are you like? are you into musical instruments? will you be a lot taller than me or just tall enough that i could reach up and put my arms around your neck? how does your voice sound.. the way you speak.. how you word your thoughts ? will you be a good listener but still be able to hold a deep conversation with me? can you teach me new things and completely captivate my interest and thoughts towards you? will you like me for me, as is? can you accept all my flaws and weaknesses and still want me? will i be beautiful enough for you, inside and out? do you enjoy reading? could you spend hours in silent companionship with me sitting right next to me just reading, completely comfortable in this way? would you ever read my writings and find them interesting? will you willingly show up to all of my orchestra concerts, sit front row, and smile reassuringly everytime i look at your direction because you can sense i need the support? soo many questions..

^ yeah that's just an excerpt. but i found it kinda interesting that i would be thinking about the same subject, different time, and have the same urge to write about it. i guess subconsciously it's really bothering me. but there's no way to find out more about this mystery guy until i meet him right? i feel like i spend a lot of time waiting for things.. i don't want to be forever waiting.. the fact that i'm impatient notwithstanding.

happy Pi day =)

yup, today's "3.14" = march 14. it woulda been cool if today was an actual holiday, where everyone just ate pie. allll day. yum!

anyways, after doing some reflecting on my past blogs, i realize lately most of what i talk about has to do with my love life.. awkward. i also found out that the link to my blog that i put under the info tab on my facebook is very easily found & accessible to all 978 facebook friends i have. i just never took into account that more than 5% would ever take interest. and the downfall to this site is i can't see who views my blogs. i can only get a number of how many profile views i get, & most people can just read my blogs without ever clicking on my profile, so their numbers aren't recorded. kinda makes me curious to see who's actually been reading about my personal life lol but either way, i'll never be able to know, and i'm okay with that. but if you want to be super awesome and cool, post a smiley face on my facebook wall and nothing more, this month only! and that'll be like your secret way of admitting "why yes, i read your blogs." but the chances are no one's going to do this, because if you guys wanted me to know that you were reading, you would make a blogger account and become a follower =) like the awesome, brave 3 people on the bottom right column of this page. lol but in all honesty, it's totally cool with me if you like reading my blogs anonymously. i'm just happy knowing there are people out there who are even slightly interested in my life. so thank you guys =)

the next thing i wondered about was if i should stop letting myself be so personal and open with these blogs because knowledge is power, and letting the wrong kinds of people get this knowledge about me gives them the power to destroy/really hurt me =( but i came to the decision that i don't want to change the way i write or express myself out of fear of people using my words against me. if anyone ever makes fun of my personal stories and thoughts, i can take it. because at one point, everything i ever wrote/typed was meaningful to me. real talk.

that being said, i will now continue this blog as normal. the orchestra concert last sunday went pretty well. one of my friends who i haven't seen in a while came & it was his first ever live orchestra concert experience =) he said he really enjoyed it & i'm really grateful for his presence and him driving all the way to the city from the suburbs just to see me play! i'm glad he said it was definitely worth coming and is even planning to attend my next concert. to me, friend support is an irreplaceable and vital part of life. i also got to meet 3 new people, the bestfriends of the guy i'm seeing. thanks for coming to my concert and hope i didn't make a terrible first impression! well technically i only met 2 new people, because the other one i met previously at a banquet. so here's your special shoutout Pancho (aka "the best boyfriend ever" to your girl), cuz i know you're reading this lol you are a really chill, dopee person and you're birthday is this tuesday! so happy early birthday and thanks for coming to my concert! i really appreciate it =)

josh had his quartet recital tuesday, and i am sooo proud of how much he has improved as a violinist. his quartet was the best, hands down. then friday he had his first varsity gymnastics meet of the season =) again, very proud. then joel had his final basketball tournament today and his team won all 3 games, making them this year's season champs! trophy and 1st place medals. i am THE proudest older sister in the whole world. both of little brothers are growing up so fast, and making great choices and accomplishments. guess it's my turn to step up and be worthy of being a role-model for them. on a happy note, it's getting warmer outside! i've been dying to get back on the tennis courts, and as soon as it gets above 60 degrees, i'm there. springbreak's coming up too! only 7 more days, and i'm off to houston, texas for the whole week =) can't wait to see all the family and meet one of my bestfriends, Jason, for the first time ever in person. he's friends with my cousins over there and we've been sorta like penpals for the past 4 years, except instead of writing letters, we call, text, IM, etc. so we know each other pretty well, just haven't met yet. overall, i'm pretty excited for this trip! just needa get through this week. but i'm definitely going to be missing a certain person every single day i'm gone.. =(

-jenesis

he makes me smile

3/10/10 "there's only one girl on my mind.. It's you"

=)

Self-explanatory. he can be sooo wonderful sometimes.

Half of You

"how can i give you all of me, when all i get is half of you." -Half of You by Varsity Fanclub.

do you ever feel like the person you're with is holding back, being cautious, and unwilling to fully let you in? and that the reasons behind it have nothing to actually do with you, but rather with someone who came before you? we all get hurt at some point in our lives, but that shouldn't hold us back from stepping back out there with a brave face and open heart. how can you expect someone to be completely open to you when you're building barrier after barrier. and it's pushing me away. i'm trying to be understanding and patient, but how much longer do you expect me to stay like this.. i'm so done with being on&off with you. it feels like every time we take one step forward, you take two steps back. i can't make this work on my own; i need to know that this is what you truly want too. if it's not, be honest with me now. please stop playing with my heart.. be fair with me, be honest with yourself. i really want to be with you.. i like you just as you are, you're all i can think about, and being around you always makes me happy.. but if you still aren't over what happened in your past and just aren't ready for this, i understand. i know it takes time to heal all things. i just can't let things stay the way they are now..

i don't care about titles, or even full commitment. i don't have to be the only girl you care for. i just want to know if i'm the one you care about the most.. if i'm the one you find yourself thinking about more than the others.. i'm not asking for too much.. not even all of your heart at this point.. i just want to know if i'm even really in it.

2-24-10 "does [my crush's name] like you? Yes. Does he want to be with you? Yes."

=)

Soooo happy.. You guys don't even know. I've waited so long to hear him say those words.. And he played it off like it should have been obvious! But if you've been keeping up with my blogs, you guys know how depressingly confused I was about the way he feels about me. There was a point where I was almost convinced I just wasn't his type & he could never want me. All those emotions & thoughts.. Finally hit its climax yesterday & he probably won't ever know how happy I felt to hear him confirm the way he feels.. I don't have to be so afraid to like him willingly now.. I should remain cautious but it's soo hard when I like him so much.. even just the small things that he does.. I replay my favorite scenes/ moments with him in my mind all the time.. I'd be tripping over the way he looks when he smiles for hours.. But yeahhh.. He is amazing. and he likes me. And wants to be with me. =)

-jenesis

He's a Showstopper

"you're a showstopper. you are SO hot. and i can't get you off my mind" -Showstopper by Aj Rafael

So after a month or so of seeing this song title on countless fb statuses and lyrics quoted everywhere, i finally caved in and checked the song out last night. totally loved it. sweet&simple, the song makes its point =) the next step? i looked up the tabs & lyrics and spent my night playing the song insteada studying lol i'm playing with strum patterns and revising some of the lyrics appropriately, but overall am completely excited that i learned it =) i guess a part of it is because the target of my interest was on my mind all night and this was a good way of expressing it constructively. Josh is tryna teach me how to play "officially missing you" by tamia, but i'm still a noob so it's going to take a little more time lol

do you ever wish you could just completely blend in a crowd? become the essence of unnoticeable? i know the majority of the world is advocating to stand out, blah blah. but somedays i wish there was a way to deflect all forms of attention. i like hats. i like wearing hats, i like guys who can really pull off wearing hats, and i like hiding behind hats. i don't think i'm super attractive, but there are too many incidents when i get inappropriately holla'd at. in front of professors, important adult figures, my mom, anyone that shouldn't witness it, etc. days i wear hats, i can avoid most of the unwanted attention because the hat is like a shelter, protecting me from having to make eye contact with strangers. when i'm just walking around campus, hair's messed up because of the wind, and it's a day when i just didn't put much effort to try to look pretty, i still attract guys i don't want. is there an on/off switch when it comes to scouting out attractive guys/girls? i know i'm not looking for cute boys or to meet the man of my dreams in the 10-15minute walk to my next class. a part of that can also possibly be because i'm already seeing someone who surpasses every other guy you could possibly run into in a day, i'm biased, and i don't want to see any other guy. yes, i know this sounds problematic, but my walls are down. there's no denying the truth. even guys i had crushes on/consider attractive don't appear as desirable as they did months ago. what's going on?? what made this change and why am i not trying to reverse it? when did i unconsciously decide to completely fall for this kid.. i wish my mind had caught up with my heart in time to put up some flashing warnings and remind me to be cautious. now it's too late and i've jumped.. praying as every second passes, that he's gunna catch me. ohh boy.

string ensemble is becoming a stressful headache. it's coming to a point where i can't even enjoy the music.. i need to find a new outlet. i've been neglecting my library card.. it's time to get back into more frequent visits and getting lost in the fiction. but maybe i haven't resorted to it recently because even though there's so much pressure and stress enveloping my world lately, when your heart's happy how can the rest of you feel any other way?

p.s. the urban dictionary(i know i use this site too much lol) definition of "showstopper" is: one who is so good, he will stop you in your tracks

thanks for readinggg!
-Jenesis

strawberry whirl

yeah, don't ask me about my titles. lol i'm running out of creative titles; therefore, i used the name of the drink i'm sippin on from jamba juice. =)

by the way, this is terrible weather to be drinking fruit smoothies! it's sooo cold outside. and cold drink only amplifies the coldness factor. i highly recommend something like Starbucks..or even Carribou =P lately, i've been switching my loyalties back and forth between both. again, don't ask. lol.

so things in the string ensemble went as bad as i predicted, but it was for just one rehearsal, hopefully. we'll see how things go today. it would have been a horrid start of my week/very depressing day, but right after class, i got to spend time with this one kid who made my day better. =) i'll leave things at that.

i've been in a better mood these past few days.. blah blah blah ok, ok i really just wanted to blog about how cool this one one kid is. =) he's soooo cute. like, if you were to see him, you'd forget how to breathe for a few seconds. i loveee the sound of his voice. it's that perfect deep, but not too deep, clear kinda voice that makes you wish you could call him all the time & just hear him speak for hours. he has these eyes you could totally stare into and read how he feels. his smile.. it makes me lose any train of thought i was having, and suddenly i start babbling about incoherent nonsense. did i mention, he's cute?!?! & definitely charming, when he wants to be =P so yeah, i'm being vulnerable to the world & letting my emotions get the better of me for this blog. i'm totally crushing. and he knows =) i think we're making progress. i know it's been a really rough, complicated past few months, but our communication is getting much better. lol is it so silly to be crushing on the guy you've been dating on&off for the past few months? maybe. but i don't care. lately, we've been good =) which is such a stress reliever when i'm used to always being in this clouded, directionless stump with him. not knowing where anything was going, if there really was anything, or if he was even interested. now i know a little more, and it's making all the difference =) he's being hopeful. somedays, he still feels like a total mystery. but at least i know we're both really trying now. trying to understand each other & trying to make this into something more. remember one of my earlier blogs about how 'i just wish i knew if i was making any progress'? and other depressing, related questions? lol well i don't know all the answers, but what i do know is enough for me. i'm crushing pretty hard on this kid, but even though he doesn't feel completely as strongly as me, there's something! i just.. need to keep whatever that 'something' is growing. i think he called it an indescribable feeling? lol helpful, i know =P

today's Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent! i finally figured what i should give up earlier this morning: desserts. in every form. dun dun dun. i know, sounds impossible, especially because i have sugar cravings on a daily basis. but if i can make myself suffer for 40 days, maybe this will be a healthy decision and have long-term effects on my diet! then i won't have to worry so much about getting diabetes! lol we'll see. wish me luck =)

ok, off to class. need to stop daydreaminggg. especially in class. i'll be sitting in lecture, focusing very intently, when out of nowhere the professor will say something that triggers a thought about this kid i'm crushing on & off my mind goes. it'll take me about 1-2minutes to recover/realize that i'm daydreaming & not paying attention to class anymore lol and then i want to kick myself for missing something important in class because my mind's where he's at. ayaa. the dangers of crushes. =P byeee!

distance

today was very productive. did a lot of cleaning & organizing. went shopping with josh & ryan. then headed to church early. it was so refreshing to be out with two cool kids & just sharing stories & laughter. then at church, caught up with a really nice old friend i haven't seen in forever. she asked me if i still had any feelings at all for my ex & i was actually surprised of how sure i was of my answer: no. i would love to fix our friendship but i just don't love him as more than that anymore. i think i have finally reached closure. he showed up too. it's always awkward seeing each other, mainly because he is blatantly ignoring me. but i can honestly say i just don't love him anymore. that doesn't mean i don't care about him, because i do, but i just could not ever see us getting back together. we've both changed and we're just too different now. i hope he can still find happiness everyday & that someday he'll get over us so we can be friends. i miss our friendship. i know it hurts to see me, but i can't help you avoid me if you won't communicate with me & at least tell me what days you are going to show up to meetings/events/ bible study. if you would at least tell me that much, i would surely make the effort to avoid showing up on those days on purpose so you don't have to see me. i don't want to cause you any more pain. i never meant to hurt you. i never saw any of this coming. but please, just work with me now. it hurts to see you too, you know.

it's cold.

what is he looking for? what does he want in a girl? does she have to be a specific height, in a certain weight range, does the color of her eyes or hair matter? does she have to be able to sing perfectly or write in graceful calligraphy? what kind of style does he prefer that she dress? how high does he expect her IQ to be? what kind of music does he expect her to be into? etc..

this is me. i've been standing here, right in front of you the whole time. i can't change the way i look or the fact that sometimes i get off-balanced and can be a little clumsy. i don't know how to properly use chopsticks. my voice is a little too high-pitched somedays. but i'm being myself with you every second. why can't you accept me just the way i am? why is there always something wrong with me according to you.. the way i talk, the way i can't hold your interest, how i ruin conversations because i bring up a would-be normal topic to anyone else but hits nerves on your end. i can't read your mind. i'm not perfect. stop making me feel like i need to fix myself because you make it seem like there's something terribly wrong with me. i've never been so insecure in anyone else's presence like the way i am when i'm with you. it hurts. a lot. you make it feel like spending time with me is a hassle & like i'm not worth your time. i feel like you're always judging me; judging my every move, word, action, expression. and if i don't pass judgment, you tend to get easily upset with me. somedays i feel like you don't understand me at all and aren't making an effort to either. why does everything have to be so difficult between us? i really care about you and you're breaking my heart.

i just.. need to know that you're going to be worth all this in the end. i'm not quitting on us because i want to believe we could be something amazing.

i'm switching back & forth between love songs & sad songs.
current playlist:
jump then fall -taylor swift
over my head -the fray
temporary -gabe bondoc
crush -david archuleta
if i fail -cartel
a case of you -reynard silva
just so you know -jesse mccartney
speak up -kristinia debarge
miracle -paramore
falling -sadie ama

Bliss with a side of Stress

good morning =)

i woke up late today, almost ran over the mailbox on my way out, and got to class 3 minutes late.. success! lol one of the biggest things on my mind all week has been the string ensemble. i had auditions monday for possible re-seating purposes, and i'm terrified of being moved out of the 1st violin section. about 10 others had to go through the re-audition too, but they were all 2nd violins; thus, they have nothing to lose, only gain, from this. our first concert is march 3rd? somewhere around there. and i have been practicing the music pretty thoroughly because half of the songs are actually pretty challenging this semester. i really like the music repertoire for this upcoming concert, and the best part of all this is being in the 1st violin section and getting to always play the melody. i really don't know what i'll do if i get moved out. =( lately, my world's been so chaotic, and the string ensemble has been my only safe haven where i can just tune the rest of the world out and focus on creating beautiful music. i mean, i'm sure the professor's intentions for this re-audition is simply in the best interest for the orchestra, making sure the balance of strong and weak players is solid in both violin sections, etc. but i know i'm a good player, i work my fingers off practicing if there's anything that prohibits me from keeping par with the others in my section (because they are all super talented), and i have the passion/drive for it. my only problem is the performance anxiety i get during auditions. i can play the excerpts and scales almost perfectly every time practicing at home in my room, in front of friends, or practically anyone, but put me in front of the person responsible for judging my every movement and note, and i'm a nervous wreck who makes mistake after mistake. it's not fair. =( i know what i'm capable of and truly feel where i'm currently seated is entirely beneficial for the entire orchestra. but how can i prove that to the professor when i can't even stop my hands from shaking the moment i enter the audition room? i know.. i sound so pathetic. =/ but this is really important to me.. we were supposed to find out the results yesterday, but he never brought it up. so i'm guessing maybe monday now? i just want to know already so i can stop stressing over this and feel secure again. the worst that can possibly happen is that he moves me to the 2nd violin section, i have to re-learn all the songs with a different part with the concert coming up in less than a month, and my self-esteem will drop a bazillion levels. the best that can happen is he keeps me in the 1st violin section, even if he moves what stand i'm at, and that's all i want. just to stay in the section. unfortunately, what i want isn't always what's best, ya know? well, i already did everything i could possibly do for this audition. hours of dedicated practice, seeking outside help from a player who's a million times better than me, and mock auditioning in front of multiple people. i did my best during the audition that i could under the strenuous situation and walked out of it feeling like i could have done so much better if i hadn't been so nervous. but could you blame me? this one audition is going to determine where i'll be sitting for the next few months and what kind of music i'll get to play. to anyone else, this probably doesn't sound like it should matter at all, but to me, this is a big part of my world. i have so much to balance in my life and if this part crumbles, i'm going to feel unstable. =/ because my world is always so busy and over-crowded, the smallest change can upset its entire balance. i know we don't have the best orchestra in this state/city, but i am very proud to be a part of it because there is so much talent and what we can bring to each song is amazing. i can't wait till the concert and when everything comes together; i'm positive it'll be a great performance. so you guys should really consider marking it on your calendars and attending =) admission is free! it'll be worth your time and a good experience for anyone who's never been exposed to live classical music performances. plus, you can come and support me! yay =)

on a side note, valentine's day is coming up. February 14th is also my half-birthday! i turn 19 and a half lol it's crazy how young that actually sounds when you think about it. most of my friends are already turning 20, and i'm just hitting my half year mark of my 19th year lol i'm making new friends =) i know, that sounds so juvenile, but it's exciting. being surrounded by the same people you've known forever and ever is very comforting and enjoyable, but making new company is pretty cool =) people i've just met & it's like they fit right into my life as if they had always been there to begin with. it's crazy how life works like that. making long-term, meaningful friendships are very important to me. connecting to people in a way where we can both count on each other for anything, share crazy experiences and memories together, share those moments when just looking at each other, you find yourselves smiling =) and to all my friends who feel like we've been losing that connection, know that i'm only a phone call away and vice versa, it's my responsibility to reach out to you guys too. then there are those bestfriend relationships where we could go half a year or so without ever physically seeing each other, and hangout one time after all that time has passed, and it'd be as if no time has passed because our relationship is so easy-going and we can just re-connect like it's nothing. =) i love those kinds of friends i got like that because no matter how many miles separate us, we're still sooo close! and we both know nothing can ever change that; we were meant to be in each other's lives =) people change, things change, change is an inevitable part of life, but being able to adapt to those changes is the difference between keeping friendships or letting them fade away. i don't know how i got to this subject; i swear my random tangents are getting worse with each blog lol but back to my sidenote! with valentine's day coming up, my only plans are as follows: me & the mom are going to be making strawberries dipped in chocolate and white chocolate desserts for her co-workers and friends, i'm working on valentine's day, and when i get back home, there's a Sonny With A Chance marathon that should be playing up until the premier of "StarStruck" starring Sterling Knight, one of my celeb crushes lol, and that is how i plan to spend my valentine's day =) also known as Single Awareness Day, it's just one holiday that's going to come and go. just need to live through one day, and then this crazy season of excessive PDA and couple-cuteness alerts will die back down to bearable levels. hope every couple has a wonderful valentine's day & expresses the way they feel about each other in the most romantic ways they can think of.

i really need to force myself to get back into this blogging thing more consistently! my typing ability has slowed down dramatically, it's pretty pathetic lol but yeah, this was an experience =) blogging in the morning when there's bright sunshine out has led to a blog filled with happy faces and exclamation marks and a happier tone. interesting, huh. maybe i should make it a habit to balance morning blog posts and night blog posts, conduct a minor experiment seeing which types of posts are more effective in helping me reach emotional equilibrium, and blah blah blah.. jenesis, you rant like a nerd. lol i'll end things here because i should be studying and doing more productive things in the 2 hours it took me to type this lol peace, love, and happiness =)
-Jenesis

Simple

Wow it's been a while since I've kept up with this blogging thing. To be truthful, I'm still blogging pretty consistently; I just write notes on my ipod touch & haven't gotten around to transferring them here. It's been so long that most of the un-posted blogs don't even matter anymore lol

I'm happy to say this is going to be a very peaceful blog =)
Sometimes something really bad needs to happen before something great can happen. "sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place." I don't remember where I read that quote, but lately that's how my life is going. Something very bad happened, but ever since, things have only been getting better! I guess that can also be because when you hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up? Either way, life's been very serene lately. I have finally come to terms with my love life, and can honestly say I'm content with not looking for a guy! Shocking, right? There's just so much I'm thankful for in my life right now, and I no longer feel that strong desire to get a boyfriend. I'm not really sure what caused the freedom, but they say it takes 90 days to break an old habit. Maybe I had served my time. Instead of casually dating guys, lately I've been spending a lot of time with just this one guy. My only goal being just to get to know him better. So far, this is working, and I'm getting to know a really cool kid. Filling that lonely gap in my life with friendship seems stable so far. I'm living in the present moment, enjoying things as they happen. I'm not looking for Mr. Right, and I hope he isn't looking for me just yet. All the independence is so peaceful. Sure, whenever I see another couple a part of me feels awkward and out of place, but the feeling only lasts for a few minutes then I'm over it. Whatever this current relationship I have with this guy is, it's good enough for me. I'm not looking for commitment or seriousness. I just like spending time with him. Simple =)