Chaotic

"[he's] cold and [he's] cruel but [he] knows what [he's] doing. knows just what to say so my whole day is ruined." - "Bittersweet" by The Click Five

Always a million reasons to not feel good enough. Just wish for a day that I could flip the script so you could understand what I go through. What it's like to be giving it your best when he doesn't even try. Torturing yourself by always trying to look beautiful for him just so he stays interested enough for a little while longer. Hoping he will want to actually get to know the girl behind the face because she is actually one of the most amazing girls you will ever meet in your lifetime, and for some strange reason out of her control you were the lucky guy put on her path. She could give you the world, but you shouldn't even deserve her attention. She knows her worth and spends endless hours everyday trying to know who you are. She's paying attention to the way you smile when she makes you happy, the sound of your voice when you talk to her about things that trouble you, how your eyes look when you stare curiously into her's, the different pitches of your beautiful, melodic laughter. And through all this, she's falling for you for all of the right reasons. She thinks you are absolutely incredible and can't believe she didn't see it from the beginning. But you don't know how she really feels because she's too afraid to tell you. She doesn't want to scare you away or pressure you into confirming undeveloped feelings, if they exist. All she wants is for you to get to know her.. Then after if you can honestly look her in the eyes and tell her you could never care about her, she will put on the bravest smile and still be your friend when in need, never letting you see how truly heartbroken she is, dying on the inside, because through everything she will never ever want to cause you any pain, distress, or hurt you. Don't worry, she'll be okay because she's a veteran at this, and she knows more than anything that time heals all wounds. But if you look her in the eyes and find that you do care about her, tell her. Let her know how you really feel and you can be assured that she feels the same way.

I wrote all of the above last night around 2am. I swear, typing my thoughts out is the perfect therapy. I'm loving everything about being in Florida right now; the gorgeous, sunny weather, SeaWorld, valuable family time, and the millions of distractions everywhere. Universal Studios tomorrow; I'm pretty excited. But at night, it's like that scene in Cinderella, when the clock strikes midnight, everything goes back to inescapable misery. I thought I could survive at least one week without blogging, but these thoughts keep forming and over flooding my mind. I just need to keep my head above water. I'm not looking to be rescued; I just need to bear through this a little longer, until I'm strong enough to control when and where the overcrowded thoughts come. I'm so mentally drained from the sleepless hours I spend every night trying to clear my mind of everything that's you. This reminds me of this one quote I heard about how "there's no such thing as a real vacation. You can't get away from yourself." You know how they say it's not good to bottle up your feelings? I think this blog is like having an organized file cabinet of my every thought, stored separately under labeled tabs ranging from "acceptance" and "denial," but nonetheless, everything's being "bottled up." Maybe that's why I'm only temporarily cured from insomnia rather than completely healed; it's like trying to put a band-
aid over an open cut that needs stitches. Crazy how I just used that analogy, seeing as how I'm actually a very queasy person when it comes to anything blood-related. By the way, looking at how my posts are so messily formatted, I want to apologize for the disorganization, but I kind of like how everything is all typed up in one long, giant blob of sentences and somewhat connected thoughts. This is mainly because I type things as they come to mind; so by leaving everything in its raw format, it's more accurate for you readers to follow. It has also come to my attention, from an anonymous person who reads my blogs, that my blogs may tend to leave people feeling sad? I want to remind everyone that these blogs are all written during the most random late hours of the day and are just errant thoughts strewn together sometimes. They do not reflect my mood in its entirety at all. I'm actually a very happy, joyful person, even right now. =) But everyone needs balance in their life; it just so happens that my way of dealing with the negatives was making a blog to rant on. I'm sure if I really tried, I could post more happy blogs, but they wouldn't be half as interesting or juicy as these current blogs are seeing as I spare little secrecy when it comes to what should be my private concerns. But again, I like being open to the world; it helps me with humility. Keeps me grounded. Sometimes I can have an ego problem; that might come as a surprise to some people, but for those who know me well, you guys know sometimes I'm overconfident while other times I can be very insecure and shy. Overall I'm a pretty balanced person when it comes to most things; not on the extreme side of anything. Sure, I can be easily over-excited, sometimes overly dramatic, hypocritical, and really silly, but that's just me. I don't even know where I'm going with this post anymore; I forgot the point I was trying to make. So I'll end things here for now. Peace, Love, and Goodnight =)

P.S. New Year's is so close, and I still can't think of any resolutions!! I really need to set some time aside to really meditate on things I should focus on, but I put the "pro" in procrastination and will probably end up making ridiculous, unnecessary resolutions that can be accomplished but really shouldn't be.

-Jenesis

Restless

I hate it when my will falters! I almost had enough resolve to be over him. The idea that maybe I'm just not his type clicked in my head today as I analyzed possible reasons for why he doesn't seem that interested. This crush is crushing me. This actually happens to me a lot. I'll find the patience to wait for things to just happen naturally, the patience falters and I end up doing something to try and fast-forward things, he'll reject my efforts in some way/shape/form, I'll focus on the negatives of the situation and come up with enough reasons to move on, and just as I'm about to officially erase him out of my mind, I'll either remember or something will trigger a memory of some insignificant detail about why I fell in the first place, and my will crumbles into a million pieces. I would be trying to convince myself that all those emotional facebook statuses or photo captions can be easily meant for someone else, anyone else, and remind myself that I have a lot of other options than this one guy. But you can only lie to yourself for so long before the truth makes itself blatantly known. All the statuses, dedicated lyrics/songs, photo captions, they were meant for one guy alone and nothing can change what happened now that it's in the past. Honestly, I could get into a relationship at any given point with some of these other guys, but why am I so stubbornly fixed on this one kid? Could it be that the saying "Everyone wants what they can't have" is completely the reasoning behind this? I'm not even looking for a relationship. I just want him to like me. That's right. I want him to have/develop a crush on me. I just need to know that somewhere in his heart he feels something. Again, I'm hoping the reasoning for me wanting this isn't based on "the need to be accepted" that an old guidance counselor analyzed me with the problem of having. Specifically, my problem of acceptance has to do with wanting to be accepted by men due to the lack of a strong male/father figure in my life growing up. Apparently having that lack of connection makes me victim to seeking a strong relationship/attachment to guys in other areas of my life (my love life/friendships) to fix the gap. Why must I be such a complicated person? I feel like over-analyzing the situation can also end up disastrous, so I'll try to focus on the facts. Fact 1: I have a crush on him. For a multitude of reasons, some of which I don't understand, he catches my interest. I've been told I have very interesting taste in guys.. meaning, most of the guys I've fallen for tend to have some serious issues/problems deeply rooted inside that I won't discover until we're already a month or so in a steady relationship, I've already introduced him to all my friends, and ran off to my bestfriends claiming "he's the right one this time!! I finally found my soulmate!!" or "I know this is the hundredth time I've said this guys, but this time I know he's the perfect match for me!" I truly love my bestfriends; through each mistake they would play along enthusiastically, allow me to find the truth out for myself the hard way because I'm un-ending in my stubbornness, and when I'm devastated and heart-broken, they hold me together, faithful that I really will find the right guy someday, when the time's right. Fact 2: I don't know how he feels. And it's slowly crushing my soul. That is all.

I've considered the possibility that maybe he really does like me, but thinks the best way to keep me is purposely seeming unattached, pushing me away when I'm too close, and pretending to be something I can't have so that I'll always want him. It's my conspiracy theory. Another theory is one I got off of reading this silly list of things guys supposedly wished all girls knew about them; "Guys are often terrified of a girl they like too much. The way some girls make you feel makes it impossible to function, the same reason a lot of guys pursue strictly physical relationships." Although the whole idea of a list of common things about guys shouldn't catch my attention because the types of guys I tend to like are always far from the norm, a few things on the list could be possible explanations for some of this guy's behavior. "If a guy acts like a dick sometimes and doesn't trust you, it might be because he has been badly hurt in the past and is afraid to open up again." So maybe he's just been really hurt before, and I need to give him more space and time. By the way, is it really weird/strange that I do research like this and come up with theories and analyze things when it comes to my love interests? Inevitably, I am still ruled by my emotions and will follow what my heart feels over what my mind thinks most times, but I do try to make an effort to be understanding of how the situation might really be.

I can't think straight right now.. I wasn't supposed to blog tonight, but I finished packing and the unexpected extra free time let my mind wander too much. And it doesn't even matter how many miles away I'll be tomorrow; I can't run away from this problem. I can't confront the problem either because our relationship seems to be so fragile nowadays, any small movement can totally disrupt the balance and end everything we never even got to begin together. Why am I so stuck on making this work? I believe I could be the right girl for him, and I don't want him to miss out just because he's still recovering from something in the past that's blinding him from what's in front of him. He deserves happiness.. and I can only hope that it's with me. Maybe one day if things do end up working out, he can look back at all of this and know that I always knew of what could be. I guess I just want to know if I'm getting close.. at all. If I'm making any real progress.. I just wish I could know. It would definitely give me more than enough encouragement to continue. I feel like without this knowledge, I'll just be stumbling aimlessly towards a destination that can either be really close or really far away.. just give me a sign..
please?

Or, things can end up going very terribly and all these thoughts, feelings, emotions, time, etc. was sadly wasted on the wrong guy, yet again. Only time will tell.. and I still need to think of resolutions before this week ends. I very much dislike time and need to overcome its control on me someday soon. Goodnight and Sweet Dreams =)

-Jenesis

Happy Holidays

"Is there somebody who still believes in love? I know you're out there.. There's gotta be somebody.. I've searched around the world but I can't seem to find somebody to love"
- "Somebody to Love" by Leighton Meester ft. Robin Thicke

Just the chorus of a song I like currently. The holidays have been pretty great so far; got to see a lot of family. Unfortunately, when my family gets together, my love life seems to be the most popular topic of interest. "Who's Jenny dating now?" or "Is she still seeing that one guy?" or "Why didn't she bring her boyfriend with her?" etc.. All are just inconvenient reminders of my relationship-lacking status. But it's okay, I know that when the time's right, I'll find someone. In the meantime, I can't seem to decide if I'm actually okay with how things are or if I'm simply living in denial, because it beats depression. I've been doing a lot of self-analysis lately, and I think one of the main issues is that for so long, I had someone to love completely and entirely. There's just soooo much of me to give to someone else, and now that there's no one to share everything I feel with anymore, it's like I'm a pipeline missing its connecting piece and huge gushes of me keep leaking, directionless in their ambition to find the place they belong. Most of me has been leaking towards my musical aspirations, parts of me have been spilling into devoting more time with friends and family than usual, and the random drops left over pitifully try to attach to chances of some sort of love life. I'm getting really good at pursuing distractions to pass the time, but I just can't seem to avoid one day without slipping and thinking about a guy who's mind I know I'm not crossing. It's not fair. Why am I so ruled by my emotions? Somedays I wish I was more of a logical kind of person. I also wish I was an inch or two taller, my hair was naturally a few shades lighter, and I had perfect vision. But seeing as I'm stuck the way I am, I need to learn to embrace these imperfections.. find the true beauty behind why I was made the way I am.. and how one day I'll find the right guy who thinks I'm amazing, as is. I also worry about my weight.. I saw the doctor like 3 times in the last 2 months. Both times he kept saying how I'm so skinny.. I can't even donate blood because you have to weigh at least 100lbs. As of last week, I currently weigh 98lbs. Last month, I had a scare because I was at 96lbs due to being sick for a whole month. None of this makes sense because I don't workout out hardly as often as I used to in previous years, and my appetite has actually increased. My mom had them run a blood test too on a few things like my sugar levels, because diabetes runs on her side of the family, and we all have a problem of over-indulging in sweets. Here are the results: My total cholesterol was 155, my gly-something was 59, my HDL was 75, LDL was 68, blood sugar was 84, and hemoglobin 11.8. I don't really know what the numbers mean but the lady said everything looked normal and good, especially my HDL. Why am I sharing my medical history with the world? I really have no idea.. it was just something on my mind and this blog's purpose was to organize my thoughts. I tend to write these posts straight out, and after posting, then I re-read everything and analyze what's going on in this head. One of my aunt's also brought attention to my weight, saying I look too skinny. I guess this concerns me because I once read that guys don't like girls who are too skinny. I always thought I was normal, proportionate, but if I hear any more commentary on how skinny I appear, besides from what my mom states everyday, I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone is sensitive about something in their lives, and for me, I'm overly-sensitive on appearance for two reasons. First reason being that I'm a very "unique" mix of Asian, and am constantly reminded that I'm different at family gatherings.. what's the Filipino word for it? It's something pronounced like "mis-tee-sha"?(I'll find out later the exact spelling & re-edit) which translated means half Filipino, half something else. "Has she seen her real dad lately? Does she remember that country?" The usual questionings, often spoken in a different language so as to make it seem like it's a private conversation between adults, but it's not hard to figure out when someone's talking about you in any language if they're staring, pointing/gesturing, and slipping your name in between sentences. The second reason being I know I was not always decent looking. Josh nicknamed me "Swan" on his phone because he explains it like I was the ugly duckling growing up, but then I turned into a beautiful swan. Sidenote: "The Swan Princess" was one of my favorite movies growing up. =) Back to topic, I am still very self-conscious of my mix, always fearful I have too much of one side, and it scares me thinking how much I might look like the biological parent I never got to know. Sometimes I wonder if my mom can see parts of him when she looks at me, and I worry it might hurt or bother her. Ugh, this topic gets too personal so I'm going to switch to something else. Oh by the way, if you have ever asked me what my ethnicity was and I said "Filipino," it's because it's simpler and easier to name that half of me than having to explain the other side. I'm still slowly coming to terms with the way I am, but I'm sure one day I'll know more than I do now, and have accepted everything. Sorry for the crazy disorganization of this blog; it's been too long since my last entry, and I guess all of this is just a combination of overflowing thoughts and sleep deprivation. I have work at 8am and then a whole lot of packing to do because we're leaving for Florida this Sunday! Universal Studios and Sea World for one week, then going to Missouri for a few days to visit my Grandpa. I cannot wait to be in warm weather; it will significantly improve my mood. Plus, maybe being many, many miles away from certain people, I can concentrate better on enjoying what's left of 2009, rather than dreading the lonely beginning of 2010. I still can't believe how soon New Year's is coming up! I need to think of really good resolutions to make this year. I don't remember all of the ones I made last year, but the one I do remember was "To become Jaypee Plata's bestfriend" and that one has been accomplished. =) Last year Jaypee was a transfer student to my younger brother's high school, and I knew from the beginning that one day we'd be bestfriends. Sometimes you just know when a friendship is going to be great. A lot of good memories were made in 2009, many big decisions I'll never forget were made too, and some consequences I'm still dealing with, but overall, I'm ready to embrace a new year, because every ending is a new beginning. I probably won't be able to blog for a few days due to the hectic traveling/packing mania that will begin tomorrow, but I'll try to write in my journal (yes, I keep a journal) and update those writings on here when possible. My parents gave me, Josh, and Joel each our own ipod touch (32GB) for Christmas, and me and Josh nailed it this year with getting them the perfect presents too, which took a whole week of shopping, and working overtime, but was totally worth it. I'm so excited for Sea World because it's one of my big dreams to touch/pet/take a picture with a giant turtle/tortoise (my favorite animal)! Another of my dreams is to go to Ireland and play my violin in a quartet or duet in a Ceili Festival, and I just found out today one of my relatives is getting married in Ireland!! I think this summer? I need to find out more details, but I really hope my mom let's me come with her, and you can bet I'm going to bring my violin, just in case. =) I also hope to acquire a large harp at some point in the near future and learn how to play it fairly well. But this blog is getting very random, filled with so much personal information, and very lengthy so I'll call it a night. Happy holidays to everyone and stay safe! Goodnight =)

-Jenesis

Inspired by "Wedding Dress" by Tae Yang

There's always going to be that one girl who's better. Prettier, more talented, more confident, etc. Have you ever experienced what it's like to really be into someone, then out of nowhere, another girl comes into the picture and for reasons you can't understand, he chooses her. Well, maybe you do understand the reasons but you're too heartbroken at this point to accept them. Everything was going great, you guys were happy spending time together, you made him smile and he could possibly have been falling for you.. but there's always another girl who will cross paths with you. It's completely up to him to choose, and suddenly everything you have ever felt insecure about surfaces.

Outcome 1: He chooses the other girl. They date for an excruciatingly long period of time, while you try to get over him day by day. Turns out they were meant for each other. So why was fate so cruel as to put him on your path when all along one day he was going to leave? Who knows.

Outcome 2: He chooses the other girl. They date for a few months, if even. He realizes he chose her for the wrong reasons and ends up being miserable. They break up. He tries to get back in contact with you, but you already moved on, hopefully, and found a guy who would always choose you first. But secretly you will find yourself wondering "what if.." and then remember it's not worth finding out because this new guy in your life was everything you could ever want.

Outcome 3: The same as outcome 2, except when he tries to get back into contact with you, you never moved on. But you realize that if you were to give him the second chance, you will always feel insecure that he might leave you again for another girl. History is doomed to repeat itself. So the wise choice would be to reject him and force yourself to move on. But most likely, you fell too hard the first time and no matter how much pain he caused you or will continue to cause you, you still want to be with him. Bad, bad, bad.

Outcome 4: He chooses you. =) Err.. I don't really know what happens with this outcome; I haven't experienced it yet.. (meaning: of all the guys I've ever fallen for, when another girl would enter the picture, they would always choose the other girl. Guys I've dated where there was no other girl in the picture became my boyfriends, but it always makes me wonder if there had been another girl, if they would still choose me.)

I got inspired to write about this topic after watching Tae Yang's "Wedding Dress" music video. Great song! But it reminded me of all the times when the guy I liked was with the wrong girl (in my opinion). Here's some advice for the guys out there who really care about a certain girl but are afraid that she is interested in another guy. First, tell her how you feel! Really, it's better for her to know than not. The worst thing that can happen is that she doesn't return the feelings. Then your options are to either accept that and move on, or wait it out patiently, confident that you are the best choice for her. Then time will tell. Don't wait until it's too late. When a girl likes a guy, if months go by and he hasn't made his feelings clear she will probably jump to the conclusion that he doesn't feel the same way, and will force herself to move on to another guy. Every situation has its own complications, so make your decisions wisely. Timing is very imperative and crucial, so don't make her wait too long..

-Jenesis

Awkward Turtle

Today was pretty complicated. I forced myself to run through scales today & get in a solid hour of violin playing. Turns out I'm not as rusty as feared. My mom hasn't heard me really play in a while.. and I'm glad she got to hear me run through a few great pieces as she was getting ready for work. I really missed playing just to enjoy the music, as apposed to running through songs for church out of necessity. It made me think about how things might be in the future.. if I will still love the same things I do now, the same way. I remember having a huge performance anxiety problem and dreaded auditions like no other. I still have my timid moments, but I've changed a lot as well. Every time I get stage-shy now, I try to remember moments during private lessons and personal practicing where I focused so intensely on improving my tone and playing out more. All those hours, how much effort and patience it took, and how many performances I have faced in this last decade since I started playing, how I would hate myself for every mistake made and be so upset about why it didn't seem like I was getting any better no matter how much I worked on it. I used to lock myself in my room, running through the same 6-10 measures of a song that I couldn't quite get right either because of intonation or rhythm or something, practicing until my fingers went numb or my bowing arm failed me or the tears made it too hard to focus on the notes. So many memories.. some very dark.. others very wonderful.. I can still feel all of that every time I run through certain songs. I'm not the weak, timid player I used to be, and I have to constantly remind myself that. "Jenesis, be confident!! They're not staring at you, just focus on the music. Stop being so pathetic!"

It's crazy how insecure I can be at something I've been doing for over half of my life. On the other hand, I am a naturally confident person when it comes to most other things. I'm usually very friendly, outgoing, great at public-speech giving, writing about any given subject on the spot, and flirting. But when it comes to the guy I really have feelings for, I become this total loser.. complete dork.. who babbles about nonsense.. it's like I don't even know who I am anymore when he's around. I can go out on a dinner-date with a guy I'm not really interested in, hold very interesting, enjoyable conversation with him, make him smile/laugh and be comfortable with me, and be attractive. When I go on a date with a guy I truly like, I'm a mess! Suddenly I'm really clumsy, walking into doors or bumping into tables or tripping over flat surfaces. I tend to talk faster, about things he probably can't even relate to, understand, or care about. I get nervous.. and start telling super corny jokes. Well, I tell corny jokes even when I'm not nervous, so I guess that's okay. Overall I just tend to make things more awkward with my own awkwardness. Weak! Then I feel really stupid afterwards, guessing that any chance I had at impressing him not only died, but probably even made him re-think why he even asked me out. I must seem like such a strange girl. Why should he give me a second chance when my first impression should be enough to scare away any guy with decent taste. Usually after a bad night like that, you can find me locked up in my room, hitting my head against a pillow and occasionally just burying my face there, trying to be invisible, because that's better than having to remember what he probably saw of me. Fail, fail, fail.

Josh pointed something important out about my blogs: it makes it too easy for any guy who's waiting for a chance with me to just read through my blogs and pretend to be what I deemed "the perfect guy." He's concerned I might fall for the next fake guy who tries. This happened to me before when I thought I had met my soul mate, but it turned out that the guy had just done his research really well, going around asking my friends things about me, completely getting me with having all of these similar interests. Oh, how naive I was back in high school. I think I got better at figuring out when a guy's being fake with me now though. I hope so. Turns out I'm really good at making myself vulnerable, but I'm being me. Sure, it would be wiser to be more guarded and less-trusting, but then I wouldn't be me. I had one of the best hangouts of the semester today with one of my guy best friends. It was so refreshing to just be out with a guy who has no other intentions than spending quality time catching up on how we're both doing, supporting and comforting each other with the bad stuff that's been discouraging us, and not having to think about anything really. Just being there, in the present moment. Enjoying each other's company, a simple relationship that doesn't need to be further analyzed. Oh how I wish I could be and act the same way when I'm around the guy I'm crushing on. Why can't life be that simple!? I saw one of my ex's tonight, and being the immature 24yr. old he is, the moment we both made eye contact, he left. On a better note, I got to see a ton of familiar faces I haven't seen since summer. Again, it was too easy to be comfortable with all the guys there because I don't see any of them as more than friends. The one guy I'm trying to attract I can't even hold a normal conversation with. What's wrong with me? =( Okay, don't answer that question because I know it's a lot of things.. Sigh. You know what would be awesome? What if all the things I've been dreading over and over-thought about turned out to come off as okay to him? What if he found my awkwardness as just shyness and found it likeable? What if my flaws were what he found most attractive? Ok, ok.. I'll admit it's a long shot, but a girl can dream right?

-Jenesis

Too Much You, Not Enough Me

I just wish I could get you out of my head. It's getting ridiculous. I haven't pushed for such an exciting social life like I had this week in a long time, but it didn't matter how busy I was; didn't change the fact that you were all I could think about. They say the best way to stop thinking about someone is to keep busy/distracted. Well I'm now in the process of writing my 2nd song on guitar, working on a new medley, had a violin gig today, supported my middle brother at his orchestra concert yesterday, caught up with a few old friends, supported one of my best friends at his string quartet concert monday, saw two different doctors this week, supported my youngest brother at his piano recital sunday, had work, took another friend out to dinner saturday, and even forced myself through books of violin etudes, solos, and other sheet music today. Tomorrow I have plans to go out to lunch with one of the guy best friends, then attend Simbang Gabi at St. Isidore's later that night to see a few more friends. As hectic as my schedule was this week, how in the world is it possible that I still had so much time to myself and thoughts?! Okay, I'm over-exagerating; I didn't have a lot of time alone at all, but it felt like I did because the minutes were endlessly dragging by. It doesn't help that I'm slightly an insomniac and can't fall asleep until past 2am. Just more time for torture. Being the Twilight fanatic that I am, I would like to relate how I'm feeling to the opening chapters of Midnight Sun, when Edward describes his feelings toward Bella as hatred because that seemingly small, inoffensive, innocent girl changed his whole world in one day, forcing him to leave his family/loved ones, and obstructing his vision with the memory of her face 24/7. I can totally relate, Edward. I know what it's like to try everything possible to escape the hold that a should-be insignificant person has on you and epically failing. I was finally reaching closure from a past relationship issue, ready to pursue a blissful independent, single life style filled with much casual dating and attractive, new boys on a weekly basis. But then I had to meet a guy who is actually really amazing.. and before I could even realize what was happening, I got attached. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't even really know how or when it happened. But I truly wish I could know why. Why now? Why him? Most importantly, why doesn't he feel the same way? But want to know the worst part? I probably subconsciously think about him all day and consciously think of him every moment I'm not forcing myself to focus on something else.. yet I would be fortunate to even cross his mind once a week. How pathetic does that sound?! Is this what I've been reduced to? =/ I once read something that said "When you can't get someone off your mind, maybe he/she's meant to be there."

-Jenesis

Potential

What are you looking for.. what do you need? Do you want someone who will always be there to support you in whatever you do and whenever you need it? Someone who will always put your worries and problems ahead of her own? Someone who will always remind you how much you mean the world to them? Someone you can talk to about anything and everything, for comfort and security.

I know what I'm looking for. A sweet, charming, respectable guy to spend my time with. Again, he doesn't have to be "the one," just "my one" for however long it lasts. Someone who will share in my ridiculous excitement over learning a new song or making a new medley on guitar, or some other accomplishment, or someone to sit patiently through a new really awesome joke I've recently heard, then laugh politely, pretending that I'm funny so as to not hurt my fragile ego. Someone to make random pillow forts with!! (Don't ask..) Someone I can spend hours subconsciously thinking about, secure in the fact that the feelings are mutual. Okay, I'll admit at times I can be just a little bit of a handful.. alright a HUGE handful. But I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me. =/

-Jenesis

Maybe Too Hopeful

When a girl likes you, you're all she thinks about. Given that when she needs to really concentrate on an important task, with enough will power she can really focus, but not too shortly after said task, it's back to you. Real girls have real feelings. So sorry for taking the time to actually get to know you, grow a sense of respect and deep admiration of your talents, caring about you, listening patiently, trying to make you happy even if that meant making myself vulnerable, and inevitably falling for you. But the truth is that you're really amazing. It's your laugh, the way it sounds when you're truly happy. The sound of your voice, when you're just talking or when you're trying to defend/explain/account for something you do that you think I'd find strange or weird, but secretly I don't mind at all. Although I rather enjoy how you'll go through the unnecessary process of explaining for the way you are even though it's so blatantly obvious that I like you, as is. Everyone tells me you're not worth it, but I am very stubborn. And honestly, what guy out there IS worth it? At some point, the guy you care for will hurt you; it may be unintentionable, accidental, or even on purpose. Does it matter when or how frequently it happens? Probably. But right now, I'm following my heart. I'll admit it's unwise, but I would rather lead a life with feeling and purpose and love than a life of restrictions, responsible, boring, safe choices, and a heart that does not know how it feels to really fall for someone.

But what do you do when the guy you like made it clear he wasn't looking for a relationship? And when you told him that's okay with you? Even though it really isn't okay and you think he just needed time to get to really know you better before having made such a decision, but you agreed to his terms because 1)it would give you more time to change his mind. 2)it meant getting to keep spending time with him, even if the time spent meant more to you than it did to him. Yeah, the whole situation sounds like a lot of trouble for one guy, and yes, it looks like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Although I'm quite aware of the consequences, I can't stop feeling the way I do about him. It's stupid and irrational. But even if the odds are 90% fail to 10% success, I am a hopeful person and 10% is 9% more than what I could ask for. What's killing me is that I can't even guess at how the odds really are because I have no idea how he really feels. This blog probably won't make a lot of sense to the average reader because there's a great number of important details I have to leave out of the situation just on the rare, highly improbable chance that this guy decides to suddenly take a real interest in my life, for even a moment, clicks on the link to this blog which is located on my facebook profile box underneath my profile picture, stumbles upon this, then cares enough to read and make connections.

If you(the guy) are reading this, first off, thanks for being curious/interested in my thoughts. =) second, would it kill you to call/text more often??? oh, and third, I like you. If you like me too, that's great!!!!! If not, let me down gently. =(

Haha.. oh how sweet it would be if life were as simple as that. But life is very complicated. And he probably won't read this. Nor will he visit this blog website. He already said he never goes to my facebook. But to be hopeful, even for a few hours, makes me happier than being hopeless. Goodnight =)

-Jenesis

Just Another Open Book

Wow, after re-reading my posts thus far, I sound like a very depressed, confused, maybe even pathetic person. Definitely time for a happy blog! Because overall, everything isn't so bad. I'm prone to blowing things out of proportion past midnight when my thoughts are all scattered, and in general, I'm less sensible around this time. I have to admit that writing these blogs is actually emotionally draining, in a good way. After I finish a post, I feel tons better and can finally fall asleep peacefully. I guess identifying the problem is a solution in itself, and having all my worries typed out in front of me, I can come to terms with everything after getting a better perspective in the morning. So if you're debating whether or not to start your own blog, I highly recommend making one if your intentions are for organizational purposes or if you have opinions that you feel need to be shared with the world but are not sure whom to start sharing with. In a way, blogging is like keeping a diary, except it's not private. "And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to." -2A.M. by Anna Nalick. Knowledge is power, and I'm sure if I had a bunch of enemies, this website would be their best tool to pinpoint my weaknesses and use them against me. I guess I haven't put much thought as to the dangers of writing these really personal blogs, but for now I'll take my chances and deal with the consequences as they come. If someone wished harm upon me, there are many ways to do it; stalking my blog seems like too much effort, right? Anyways, back to the happy side. I am in the process of writing/composing my first song on guitar. Creating the music came easily because I guess I had the melody in mind, but making the lyrics to match is what's tormenting me. I made my first medley too. =) I really enjoy playing the guitar and learning new things on my own, but it's taking a toll on my fingers. Being a violinist of over 10 years, you would think my finger pads were accustomed to the tension and pressure of metal strings, but this is not the case for me. I have officially decided and committed to re-joining the UIC String Ensemble this upcoming spring semester, so I realize I have to quit/take a break from guitar during this time because extended hours spent playing the guitar leaves my finger pads extremely sensitive. I still play my violin in accompaniment with my church's choir on Sundays, and have found it very painful to bow through half notes or whole notes, so much so that even considering adding the vibrato is like a death wish. Clearly I can't play both instruments during the same period of time yet. Maybe this summer if I dedicate more time to the guitar, my finger pads will be forced to adjust to the point that playing will be comfortable again. Why am I so physically weak?! Back to the point I'm trying to make.. I am hoping to at least finish my new song entirely before the semester begins. If all goes well within this week, I might even have a video uploaded soon. =) My youngest brother had a piano recital today, which went very well, and one of my best friends has a string quartet performance tomorrow that I will be attending. Hoffman's annual winter orchestra concert is this week too, and as is tradition, alumni get to join in for their finale song, Hallelujah Chorus. Then this Thursday is Simbangabi(sp?), and me and Josh were recruited to play our violins with their all-filipino choir. Overall, this should be a very music-filled week, and for this, I am grateful. Creating music has always been one of my passions, and definitely serves as a good distraction from all the negatives I'd rather not focus on in my life. Like still being single as the holidays approach. But it's okay, I think I'm finally coming to terms with it..

-Jenesis

Past vs. Present

Somewhere along the road, I must have deluded myself into thinking everyone was looking for their soulmate; that all guys actually want to be in committed relationships. Or maybe it was because for about two years, I was with someone who did. Like most selfish, foolish girls, I walked away to see if the grass was greener on the other side. I was with someone who truly loved and cherished me, respected me, cared.. wanted me to be his forever, without a single doubt that he could ever want any one else. He was so sure of "us." Maybe it was because of him that I had such great expectations of all other men. The sad truth is that I have many, many flaws that vary in their degrees of imperfection, and to find a guy who is willing to put up with me the way I am is already pushing my luck. But I did not know this half a year ago. Please, take it from me, if you happen to find someone who can look past your weaknesses and still find you the most beautiful person they have ever met, stop looking for something better to come along! Or else you might just miss out on what could be one of the happiest relationships of your lifetime. Sometimes the greatest gifts come in the most unexpected packages. I do not regret a single day spent with him, nor do I regret leaving. I believe everything happens for a reason. As a person, I have done a lot of self-growth and maturing since. If I had never left, I would not have gained the knowledge that can only come from first-hand experience. I'll admit to making a lot of bad decisions as well, but everything that's happened became another lesson learned. My own stubbornness placed me on the long road where I am forced to learn from my mistakes the hard way. Turns out most guys my age are at the stage in their lives where all they want to do is experiment and live in the moment, which is not necessarily a bad thing. For a while, that's what I wanted too. I tried out the whole "casually dating" scene and basically moved from boy to boy with each new week. Back in high school, this was the same pattern for all my crushes. Unfortunately, old habits die slow. But eventually, after the excitement of impulsive dates fades, the realization that the time spent with the guy you occasionally go out to dinner with or attend movie premiers with isn't adding up to anything meaningful or significant dawns on you. It's like going through the actions and efforts of dating without the intentions to ever be a real couple. Sounds like a waste of time, right? My mom keeps trying to convince me this is the best way to handle my love life at my current age. No-strings-attached dating with the sole purpose of exploring different types of guys and their various personalities. Sure it sounds ideal and like the kind of lifestyle any single girl in her right mind would love to be in, but to me, it feels like I'm just accumulating a list of guys who are interested in me, each with their own reasons/intentions, but none of which I can see myself with for years to come. My friends are telling me that I should not be concerned with this; that I should not be looking for that "right" guy yet anyways. But then what should I be doing? Continuing this shallow form of dating indifferently? I am confused. =/



*Sidenote, I found out what it really means when someone says "roflcopter." Shout out to Eric Orpia, who personally demonstrated :)

Personal or Dramatic?

I am absolutely miserable being single. I don't care for the independence or the freedom that comes with it. Nothing can make up for the inevitable loneliness that hovers over everything, waiting for every opportunity to serve as a constant reminder that no one wants to be with me. Or, if he did have the want to be with me, I did not mean enough for him to take the final step and commit. They say guys want a girl who's independent, has everything together, stable on her own. Well I want a guy who sees me as I currently am, fragile and weak, and still thinks I'm worth pursuing. Then I want him to wait patiently, staying by my side, gently guiding me back to what I used to be like. He would need to realize how much I've been through.. and why I'm so guarded now when I was someone entirely different not so long ago. I would want him to prove he's actually worth my trust. Above all else, I need a guy who actually cares about me. Sounds like a simple demand, right? It's the most important one for me. When I say "care," I mean "love unconditionally, with the right intentions, and act as protector when needed; someone I could always feel safe with." I want a guy who can like me for me; Who I am, not what I can do. For once, I want a guy who tries to continually impress me, rather than me having to impress him first, as it normally is. I would like the guy to take the time to actually get to know me. God blessed me with many talents, but I do not want those talents to be the main reasons behind why a guy wants me to be his. They should add to the overall package, not be the main substance. I want him to respect me, in every sense. He would need to have good morals. Ugh, this blog is turning into something similar to the essay I wrote on my version of "the perfect guy." I started this post with the intentions to write about the sadness of the single life, not what I look for in men. Getting back on topic, I think that it's becoming clear that I want to enter into a relationship again. The difference is this time, I am not expecting the next guy I get in a relationship with to be my "soul mate." I realize I am only 19yrs. old and should not be ready or looking for a lifetime commitment to anyone yet. I simply miss having a boyfriend. I am sure there is much wrong with my logic, but to be truthful I don't know how to think, act, or feel differently. I guess today was just one of those days where the sadness was the more prominent emotion in my head. I say all of this now, but who knows, tomorrow I might be completely content with how things are. There's a reason for everything; even a reason for why I feel the way I do right now. I guess deep down, I know I'll always be happier in a relationship than not, given the guy is worth being in a relationship with. I just cope better some days than others, and today, I very much dislike being single.

-Jenesis

Realizations

So I finally realized something that I had forgotten over the past few months: I am a naturally happy person. Call me naive, but I'd rather be hopeful than cynical. For quite a while, I had forgotten the part of me that was easily excited over the smallest things that would make normal people just smile. I missed being happy for others who were happy. Mainly couples. Lately I found myself reacting to any news regarding "happy couples" in an envious, loathing way. Honestly, I'm tired of being bitter. I'm tired of listening to sad love songs that make you feel lonelier with every repeat. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. People are always going to judge me, might as well give them something worth judging. I was at the library today and saw this new book titled Generosity which is supposedly about this one girl who's character is just naturally kind and happy all the time. A series of events happen which test her patience, and then they try to link happiness to genetics. A gene for happiness, crazy huh? Well i decided against checking the book out now, but might reconsider after I'm finished studying for finals. That being said, I was also on the verge of checking this other book out that was about a girl who was dumped on Valentine's day, her family and relatives trying to hook her up with the perfect rebound man, then the twist of her ex coming back after her with a wedding ring. My taste in literature might be questionable, but I read what I find interesting or relatable to my life at that specific moment. That's just who I am, take it or leave it. I had a slip of sanity earlier today and actually role-played through what a conversation between my heart and mind might be like. I saved it, too, and am pondering the dangers of sharing it with the world. Oh well, anything worth saying shall be said, right? Enjoy =)

heart: I like him sooo much!! it's his eyes.. and the way that he smiles.. his laugh, the way he makes me feel =)
mind: that's great! he sounds wonderful =) when did he make things official?
heart: oh.. we're not official yet.. he says he's "not in a rush" .. so i'm not either o_O
mind: ..you mean to say you gave him everything and more and he still hasn't committed to you???
heart: oh.. well i guess so.. but it's ok, he's going to.. someday, hopefully soon!
mind: if he can't see what you're worth and how amazing you truly are, he's not even worth your time.
heart: he'll figure it out!! just give him some more time.. he just.. hasn't gotten to know all of me yet.. o_O
mind: this happens every time.. you fall for some guy who seems to be everything you could want&more.. then you give him all of you.. and he could care less. you wait around, putting up with his indifference, trying to convince yourself he DOES care, deep down. we both know he really doesn't. then something he does confirms it, and you get broken, over and over again.
heart: i have to believe in the better. i have to be hopeful. because one day, it WILL be the right one, and i can't let what's happened in the past be a barrier to what can happen in the future.. someday he WILL care.. he WILL know my worth.. and he WILL want me to be his.

Going through this seemingly insane exercise actually helped me have a small epiphany. I follow my heart. =) At the start, i did not know where the conversation would lead; I kind of just let it flow as it came. I had not predicted that my "heart" would win in the end. Think what you please, but I found this all rather amusing and helpful. I would love to spend more time elaborating on how I feel now that I've learned what I've learned, but alas, I have more school-related studying ahead of me. Goodnight.

-Jenesis

Unnecessary Introductions

Hello =)

The purpose of this blog and all others that will follow is stated in the "about me" section. I like to write, mostly about subjects concerning my personal life, and needed a place to do so such that my writings do not draw unnecessary attention from close friend circles. I am not an English major so I want to apologize in advanced for any grammatical, spelling, punctuation, or commonly made errors. I will most likely be posting the link to this site on my facebook so that friends, family, or people with the time and curiosity can attempt to follow the inner workings of my mind. A lot of the blogs might not make sense or may seem utterly ridiculous, but that brings me back to the point of posting things here rather than on facebook. If you find yourself reading my blogs, know that no one is forcing you, and your actions are being done on your own account. Nonetheless, I would be very excited to slowly gain a group of followers who find my life interesting and worth reading about. =)

-Jenesis

*On a sidenote, I just noticed that this site automatically saves every few minutes or so AND has spell check. that's so useful and reallllly cool =)