Happy Holidays

"Is there somebody who still believes in love? I know you're out there.. There's gotta be somebody.. I've searched around the world but I can't seem to find somebody to love"
- "Somebody to Love" by Leighton Meester ft. Robin Thicke

Just the chorus of a song I like currently. The holidays have been pretty great so far; got to see a lot of family. Unfortunately, when my family gets together, my love life seems to be the most popular topic of interest. "Who's Jenny dating now?" or "Is she still seeing that one guy?" or "Why didn't she bring her boyfriend with her?" etc.. All are just inconvenient reminders of my relationship-lacking status. But it's okay, I know that when the time's right, I'll find someone. In the meantime, I can't seem to decide if I'm actually okay with how things are or if I'm simply living in denial, because it beats depression. I've been doing a lot of self-analysis lately, and I think one of the main issues is that for so long, I had someone to love completely and entirely. There's just soooo much of me to give to someone else, and now that there's no one to share everything I feel with anymore, it's like I'm a pipeline missing its connecting piece and huge gushes of me keep leaking, directionless in their ambition to find the place they belong. Most of me has been leaking towards my musical aspirations, parts of me have been spilling into devoting more time with friends and family than usual, and the random drops left over pitifully try to attach to chances of some sort of love life. I'm getting really good at pursuing distractions to pass the time, but I just can't seem to avoid one day without slipping and thinking about a guy who's mind I know I'm not crossing. It's not fair. Why am I so ruled by my emotions? Somedays I wish I was more of a logical kind of person. I also wish I was an inch or two taller, my hair was naturally a few shades lighter, and I had perfect vision. But seeing as I'm stuck the way I am, I need to learn to embrace these imperfections.. find the true beauty behind why I was made the way I am.. and how one day I'll find the right guy who thinks I'm amazing, as is. I also worry about my weight.. I saw the doctor like 3 times in the last 2 months. Both times he kept saying how I'm so skinny.. I can't even donate blood because you have to weigh at least 100lbs. As of last week, I currently weigh 98lbs. Last month, I had a scare because I was at 96lbs due to being sick for a whole month. None of this makes sense because I don't workout out hardly as often as I used to in previous years, and my appetite has actually increased. My mom had them run a blood test too on a few things like my sugar levels, because diabetes runs on her side of the family, and we all have a problem of over-indulging in sweets. Here are the results: My total cholesterol was 155, my gly-something was 59, my HDL was 75, LDL was 68, blood sugar was 84, and hemoglobin 11.8. I don't really know what the numbers mean but the lady said everything looked normal and good, especially my HDL. Why am I sharing my medical history with the world? I really have no idea.. it was just something on my mind and this blog's purpose was to organize my thoughts. I tend to write these posts straight out, and after posting, then I re-read everything and analyze what's going on in this head. One of my aunt's also brought attention to my weight, saying I look too skinny. I guess this concerns me because I once read that guys don't like girls who are too skinny. I always thought I was normal, proportionate, but if I hear any more commentary on how skinny I appear, besides from what my mom states everyday, I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone is sensitive about something in their lives, and for me, I'm overly-sensitive on appearance for two reasons. First reason being that I'm a very "unique" mix of Asian, and am constantly reminded that I'm different at family gatherings.. what's the Filipino word for it? It's something pronounced like "mis-tee-sha"?(I'll find out later the exact spelling & re-edit) which translated means half Filipino, half something else. "Has she seen her real dad lately? Does she remember that country?" The usual questionings, often spoken in a different language so as to make it seem like it's a private conversation between adults, but it's not hard to figure out when someone's talking about you in any language if they're staring, pointing/gesturing, and slipping your name in between sentences. The second reason being I know I was not always decent looking. Josh nicknamed me "Swan" on his phone because he explains it like I was the ugly duckling growing up, but then I turned into a beautiful swan. Sidenote: "The Swan Princess" was one of my favorite movies growing up. =) Back to topic, I am still very self-conscious of my mix, always fearful I have too much of one side, and it scares me thinking how much I might look like the biological parent I never got to know. Sometimes I wonder if my mom can see parts of him when she looks at me, and I worry it might hurt or bother her. Ugh, this topic gets too personal so I'm going to switch to something else. Oh by the way, if you have ever asked me what my ethnicity was and I said "Filipino," it's because it's simpler and easier to name that half of me than having to explain the other side. I'm still slowly coming to terms with the way I am, but I'm sure one day I'll know more than I do now, and have accepted everything. Sorry for the crazy disorganization of this blog; it's been too long since my last entry, and I guess all of this is just a combination of overflowing thoughts and sleep deprivation. I have work at 8am and then a whole lot of packing to do because we're leaving for Florida this Sunday! Universal Studios and Sea World for one week, then going to Missouri for a few days to visit my Grandpa. I cannot wait to be in warm weather; it will significantly improve my mood. Plus, maybe being many, many miles away from certain people, I can concentrate better on enjoying what's left of 2009, rather than dreading the lonely beginning of 2010. I still can't believe how soon New Year's is coming up! I need to think of really good resolutions to make this year. I don't remember all of the ones I made last year, but the one I do remember was "To become Jaypee Plata's bestfriend" and that one has been accomplished. =) Last year Jaypee was a transfer student to my younger brother's high school, and I knew from the beginning that one day we'd be bestfriends. Sometimes you just know when a friendship is going to be great. A lot of good memories were made in 2009, many big decisions I'll never forget were made too, and some consequences I'm still dealing with, but overall, I'm ready to embrace a new year, because every ending is a new beginning. I probably won't be able to blog for a few days due to the hectic traveling/packing mania that will begin tomorrow, but I'll try to write in my journal (yes, I keep a journal) and update those writings on here when possible. My parents gave me, Josh, and Joel each our own ipod touch (32GB) for Christmas, and me and Josh nailed it this year with getting them the perfect presents too, which took a whole week of shopping, and working overtime, but was totally worth it. I'm so excited for Sea World because it's one of my big dreams to touch/pet/take a picture with a giant turtle/tortoise (my favorite animal)! Another of my dreams is to go to Ireland and play my violin in a quartet or duet in a Ceili Festival, and I just found out today one of my relatives is getting married in Ireland!! I think this summer? I need to find out more details, but I really hope my mom let's me come with her, and you can bet I'm going to bring my violin, just in case. =) I also hope to acquire a large harp at some point in the near future and learn how to play it fairly well. But this blog is getting very random, filled with so much personal information, and very lengthy so I'll call it a night. Happy holidays to everyone and stay safe! Goodnight =)

-Jenesis