Realizations

So I finally realized something that I had forgotten over the past few months: I am a naturally happy person. Call me naive, but I'd rather be hopeful than cynical. For quite a while, I had forgotten the part of me that was easily excited over the smallest things that would make normal people just smile. I missed being happy for others who were happy. Mainly couples. Lately I found myself reacting to any news regarding "happy couples" in an envious, loathing way. Honestly, I'm tired of being bitter. I'm tired of listening to sad love songs that make you feel lonelier with every repeat. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. People are always going to judge me, might as well give them something worth judging. I was at the library today and saw this new book titled Generosity which is supposedly about this one girl who's character is just naturally kind and happy all the time. A series of events happen which test her patience, and then they try to link happiness to genetics. A gene for happiness, crazy huh? Well i decided against checking the book out now, but might reconsider after I'm finished studying for finals. That being said, I was also on the verge of checking this other book out that was about a girl who was dumped on Valentine's day, her family and relatives trying to hook her up with the perfect rebound man, then the twist of her ex coming back after her with a wedding ring. My taste in literature might be questionable, but I read what I find interesting or relatable to my life at that specific moment. That's just who I am, take it or leave it. I had a slip of sanity earlier today and actually role-played through what a conversation between my heart and mind might be like. I saved it, too, and am pondering the dangers of sharing it with the world. Oh well, anything worth saying shall be said, right? Enjoy =)

heart: I like him sooo much!! it's his eyes.. and the way that he smiles.. his laugh, the way he makes me feel =)
mind: that's great! he sounds wonderful =) when did he make things official?
heart: oh.. we're not official yet.. he says he's "not in a rush" .. so i'm not either o_O
mind: ..you mean to say you gave him everything and more and he still hasn't committed to you???
heart: oh.. well i guess so.. but it's ok, he's going to.. someday, hopefully soon!
mind: if he can't see what you're worth and how amazing you truly are, he's not even worth your time.
heart: he'll figure it out!! just give him some more time.. he just.. hasn't gotten to know all of me yet.. o_O
mind: this happens every time.. you fall for some guy who seems to be everything you could want&more.. then you give him all of you.. and he could care less. you wait around, putting up with his indifference, trying to convince yourself he DOES care, deep down. we both know he really doesn't. then something he does confirms it, and you get broken, over and over again.
heart: i have to believe in the better. i have to be hopeful. because one day, it WILL be the right one, and i can't let what's happened in the past be a barrier to what can happen in the future.. someday he WILL care.. he WILL know my worth.. and he WILL want me to be his.

Going through this seemingly insane exercise actually helped me have a small epiphany. I follow my heart. =) At the start, i did not know where the conversation would lead; I kind of just let it flow as it came. I had not predicted that my "heart" would win in the end. Think what you please, but I found this all rather amusing and helpful. I would love to spend more time elaborating on how I feel now that I've learned what I've learned, but alas, I have more school-related studying ahead of me. Goodnight.

-Jenesis