Restless

I hate it when my will falters! I almost had enough resolve to be over him. The idea that maybe I'm just not his type clicked in my head today as I analyzed possible reasons for why he doesn't seem that interested. This crush is crushing me. This actually happens to me a lot. I'll find the patience to wait for things to just happen naturally, the patience falters and I end up doing something to try and fast-forward things, he'll reject my efforts in some way/shape/form, I'll focus on the negatives of the situation and come up with enough reasons to move on, and just as I'm about to officially erase him out of my mind, I'll either remember or something will trigger a memory of some insignificant detail about why I fell in the first place, and my will crumbles into a million pieces. I would be trying to convince myself that all those emotional facebook statuses or photo captions can be easily meant for someone else, anyone else, and remind myself that I have a lot of other options than this one guy. But you can only lie to yourself for so long before the truth makes itself blatantly known. All the statuses, dedicated lyrics/songs, photo captions, they were meant for one guy alone and nothing can change what happened now that it's in the past. Honestly, I could get into a relationship at any given point with some of these other guys, but why am I so stubbornly fixed on this one kid? Could it be that the saying "Everyone wants what they can't have" is completely the reasoning behind this? I'm not even looking for a relationship. I just want him to like me. That's right. I want him to have/develop a crush on me. I just need to know that somewhere in his heart he feels something. Again, I'm hoping the reasoning for me wanting this isn't based on "the need to be accepted" that an old guidance counselor analyzed me with the problem of having. Specifically, my problem of acceptance has to do with wanting to be accepted by men due to the lack of a strong male/father figure in my life growing up. Apparently having that lack of connection makes me victim to seeking a strong relationship/attachment to guys in other areas of my life (my love life/friendships) to fix the gap. Why must I be such a complicated person? I feel like over-analyzing the situation can also end up disastrous, so I'll try to focus on the facts. Fact 1: I have a crush on him. For a multitude of reasons, some of which I don't understand, he catches my interest. I've been told I have very interesting taste in guys.. meaning, most of the guys I've fallen for tend to have some serious issues/problems deeply rooted inside that I won't discover until we're already a month or so in a steady relationship, I've already introduced him to all my friends, and ran off to my bestfriends claiming "he's the right one this time!! I finally found my soulmate!!" or "I know this is the hundredth time I've said this guys, but this time I know he's the perfect match for me!" I truly love my bestfriends; through each mistake they would play along enthusiastically, allow me to find the truth out for myself the hard way because I'm un-ending in my stubbornness, and when I'm devastated and heart-broken, they hold me together, faithful that I really will find the right guy someday, when the time's right. Fact 2: I don't know how he feels. And it's slowly crushing my soul. That is all.

I've considered the possibility that maybe he really does like me, but thinks the best way to keep me is purposely seeming unattached, pushing me away when I'm too close, and pretending to be something I can't have so that I'll always want him. It's my conspiracy theory. Another theory is one I got off of reading this silly list of things guys supposedly wished all girls knew about them; "Guys are often terrified of a girl they like too much. The way some girls make you feel makes it impossible to function, the same reason a lot of guys pursue strictly physical relationships." Although the whole idea of a list of common things about guys shouldn't catch my attention because the types of guys I tend to like are always far from the norm, a few things on the list could be possible explanations for some of this guy's behavior. "If a guy acts like a dick sometimes and doesn't trust you, it might be because he has been badly hurt in the past and is afraid to open up again." So maybe he's just been really hurt before, and I need to give him more space and time. By the way, is it really weird/strange that I do research like this and come up with theories and analyze things when it comes to my love interests? Inevitably, I am still ruled by my emotions and will follow what my heart feels over what my mind thinks most times, but I do try to make an effort to be understanding of how the situation might really be.

I can't think straight right now.. I wasn't supposed to blog tonight, but I finished packing and the unexpected extra free time let my mind wander too much. And it doesn't even matter how many miles away I'll be tomorrow; I can't run away from this problem. I can't confront the problem either because our relationship seems to be so fragile nowadays, any small movement can totally disrupt the balance and end everything we never even got to begin together. Why am I so stuck on making this work? I believe I could be the right girl for him, and I don't want him to miss out just because he's still recovering from something in the past that's blinding him from what's in front of him. He deserves happiness.. and I can only hope that it's with me. Maybe one day if things do end up working out, he can look back at all of this and know that I always knew of what could be. I guess I just want to know if I'm getting close.. at all. If I'm making any real progress.. I just wish I could know. It would definitely give me more than enough encouragement to continue. I feel like without this knowledge, I'll just be stumbling aimlessly towards a destination that can either be really close or really far away.. just give me a sign..
please?

Or, things can end up going very terribly and all these thoughts, feelings, emotions, time, etc. was sadly wasted on the wrong guy, yet again. Only time will tell.. and I still need to think of resolutions before this week ends. I very much dislike time and need to overcome its control on me someday soon. Goodnight and Sweet Dreams =)

-Jenesis