Chaotic

"[he's] cold and [he's] cruel but [he] knows what [he's] doing. knows just what to say so my whole day is ruined." - "Bittersweet" by The Click Five

Always a million reasons to not feel good enough. Just wish for a day that I could flip the script so you could understand what I go through. What it's like to be giving it your best when he doesn't even try. Torturing yourself by always trying to look beautiful for him just so he stays interested enough for a little while longer. Hoping he will want to actually get to know the girl behind the face because she is actually one of the most amazing girls you will ever meet in your lifetime, and for some strange reason out of her control you were the lucky guy put on her path. She could give you the world, but you shouldn't even deserve her attention. She knows her worth and spends endless hours everyday trying to know who you are. She's paying attention to the way you smile when she makes you happy, the sound of your voice when you talk to her about things that trouble you, how your eyes look when you stare curiously into her's, the different pitches of your beautiful, melodic laughter. And through all this, she's falling for you for all of the right reasons. She thinks you are absolutely incredible and can't believe she didn't see it from the beginning. But you don't know how she really feels because she's too afraid to tell you. She doesn't want to scare you away or pressure you into confirming undeveloped feelings, if they exist. All she wants is for you to get to know her.. Then after if you can honestly look her in the eyes and tell her you could never care about her, she will put on the bravest smile and still be your friend when in need, never letting you see how truly heartbroken she is, dying on the inside, because through everything she will never ever want to cause you any pain, distress, or hurt you. Don't worry, she'll be okay because she's a veteran at this, and she knows more than anything that time heals all wounds. But if you look her in the eyes and find that you do care about her, tell her. Let her know how you really feel and you can be assured that she feels the same way.

I wrote all of the above last night around 2am. I swear, typing my thoughts out is the perfect therapy. I'm loving everything about being in Florida right now; the gorgeous, sunny weather, SeaWorld, valuable family time, and the millions of distractions everywhere. Universal Studios tomorrow; I'm pretty excited. But at night, it's like that scene in Cinderella, when the clock strikes midnight, everything goes back to inescapable misery. I thought I could survive at least one week without blogging, but these thoughts keep forming and over flooding my mind. I just need to keep my head above water. I'm not looking to be rescued; I just need to bear through this a little longer, until I'm strong enough to control when and where the overcrowded thoughts come. I'm so mentally drained from the sleepless hours I spend every night trying to clear my mind of everything that's you. This reminds me of this one quote I heard about how "there's no such thing as a real vacation. You can't get away from yourself." You know how they say it's not good to bottle up your feelings? I think this blog is like having an organized file cabinet of my every thought, stored separately under labeled tabs ranging from "acceptance" and "denial," but nonetheless, everything's being "bottled up." Maybe that's why I'm only temporarily cured from insomnia rather than completely healed; it's like trying to put a band-
aid over an open cut that needs stitches. Crazy how I just used that analogy, seeing as how I'm actually a very queasy person when it comes to anything blood-related. By the way, looking at how my posts are so messily formatted, I want to apologize for the disorganization, but I kind of like how everything is all typed up in one long, giant blob of sentences and somewhat connected thoughts. This is mainly because I type things as they come to mind; so by leaving everything in its raw format, it's more accurate for you readers to follow. It has also come to my attention, from an anonymous person who reads my blogs, that my blogs may tend to leave people feeling sad? I want to remind everyone that these blogs are all written during the most random late hours of the day and are just errant thoughts strewn together sometimes. They do not reflect my mood in its entirety at all. I'm actually a very happy, joyful person, even right now. =) But everyone needs balance in their life; it just so happens that my way of dealing with the negatives was making a blog to rant on. I'm sure if I really tried, I could post more happy blogs, but they wouldn't be half as interesting or juicy as these current blogs are seeing as I spare little secrecy when it comes to what should be my private concerns. But again, I like being open to the world; it helps me with humility. Keeps me grounded. Sometimes I can have an ego problem; that might come as a surprise to some people, but for those who know me well, you guys know sometimes I'm overconfident while other times I can be very insecure and shy. Overall I'm a pretty balanced person when it comes to most things; not on the extreme side of anything. Sure, I can be easily over-excited, sometimes overly dramatic, hypocritical, and really silly, but that's just me. I don't even know where I'm going with this post anymore; I forgot the point I was trying to make. So I'll end things here for now. Peace, Love, and Goodnight =)

P.S. New Year's is so close, and I still can't think of any resolutions!! I really need to set some time aside to really meditate on things I should focus on, but I put the "pro" in procrastination and will probably end up making ridiculous, unnecessary resolutions that can be accomplished but really shouldn't be.

-Jenesis